Journey of Joy, Hope and Grace

Happy Holidays!

2011-11-26T13:25:00.000-08:00

We hope as the 2011 year comes to an end, that you and your family are in great health, happiness and are enjoying the holiday season. Luke and I have been well, but our family has seen better days. In early October, Luke's brother had an unexpected/unexplainable bleeding in his brain. Now almost two months later, he is slowly making progress and possibly returning to a facility in Yakima next week. Also during this time, my great-grandma passed away. This time has been challenging, but God is so good and has continued to show his faithfulness through it all.

We wanted to quickly give an update on where we are at with the adoption. In my last post, I shared that I thought we might be able to return to the agency around February.

Some specific prayer requests are:

I (Ashley) would not be discouraged
I (Ashley) would not be in fear: of something going wrong
We would continue to be diligent and always moving forward in the adoption
I (Ashley) would be patient: remembering its in God's timing, that I would not notice the waiting
We would be preparing for parenthood
We would have wisdom in decision making when it comes to the adoption
We'd always be under the covering of God's leading

The journey begins...

2011-03-30T14:52:00.000-07:00

After much prayer and consideration we have decided to pursue adoption. We believe that God has called and lead us to open our hearts to adopting a little boy from Ethiopia. For us, the consideration of adoption began after the loss of our pregnancy with the Madilyn and beginning our pregnancy with the twins. We were in agreement that if another loss happened we would consider adoption. As many of you know, we did lose our pregnancy with the twins and were brought back to a place of “What do we do now? God, what is your plan?” We discussed adoption again, but as we had just walked through a very difficult 2009, we weren’t ready for anything but time and healing.

A few months ago, my heart had been softened and opened to once again trying to add to our family. I began praying that I would be open to whatever God had for us and that I would be patient for His timing. Around this time, we began a series at our church called ‘The Hole in our Gospel’; what God expects of us when it comes to ‘the least of these’, such as orphans. I was challenged during this time in a much different way than Luke. As we both felt a stirring in our heart to do something for the orphans, I felt like I was being called to be a bigger impact than just our commitment to sponsor an orphan. I felt like I needed to do something that would change a little someone’s life forever…which brought us back to the idea of adoption. I began praying more specifically and praying for confirmation from the Lord, through Luke, that we were supposed to proceed with this. Little did I know (until recently), that Luke has been waiting for me to be ready to adopt for quite some time. God had been speaking to his heart long before I had even come to a place of being ready.

We have done our research and communicated with a few international adoption agency. We know that adoption is not only going to be a lengthy process, but also costly. The estimated timeframe for adoption from start to finish will be anywhere from 18-25months. The estimated cost for adoption is $28,000. It’s easy to be intimidated and discourage by both factors, but we know we can do all things through Christ. We are committed to taking this journey and we know we will grow in faith, grow as husband and wife and grow into the parents God expects us to be.

This is truly an exciting season for us and our family. Through fasting and prayer, we are believing that the Lord will make a way financially and bring us together with our son. We would appreciate having you partner with us in prayer as we complete this process that we feel God has called us to.

Back to blogging

2011-01-21T18:53:00.001-08:00

I'm back!!! I've been torn on whether I wanted to blog or not because this blog was first intended for updates on my pregnacies and future children, but since that hasn't been the focus of my life for over a year, I thought it was pointless. I feel like I'm ready to try the blogging thing again but this time, it going to be about my ulimate focus: God, and what he's doing in my life. People might be more interested in reading about my pregnancies, but God's given me a testimony to use and he's giving me words daily that I'd love to share with the world (or whoever is willing read it).

Just a quick update on the life of the Jaeger's: we are happy, healthy, in the process of buying home and still involved in all the things we were involved in.

Our appointment results

2010-06-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

After a few months of waiting, on June 28th we finallly had our appointment at UW Medicine with Dr. Edith Cheng. As I predicted, we didn't really recieve any more answers, however we have a plan for next time, which is also what I had expected to hear. Once we become pregnant again, I will begin Heprin/Lovonox injections into my stomach beginning at 8 weeks. I will be seeing both an OB-GYN in Yakima, as well as seeing Dr. Cheng monthly. She doesn't anticipate immediate bedrest and I'd appreciate prayer that bedrest can be avoided until 3rd Trimester, or even better...not at all.

She told us we could begin trying again after my cycle in July, but due to, what I think is a wise decision, we are waiting until November for two reasons. First, I think its important for us to wait a full year and second, we have disability insurance that kicks in November 1, meaning we can't get pregnant for then. With all that being said, at the earliest, we will begin trying in November.

Spring forward...

2010-05-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

It's been months since my last post and let me start off by saying, we are doing well. We have some updates on our life.

In January, I returned to work/my class. The first 3 weeks were great; such an easy return but progressively I worked my self to a state of being burnt out. I have now learned a healthy balance and pace that has kept me going until the end. I can't believe I'm less than two weeks away from finishing my first year of teaching. A recent blessing for us is that I've recieved a contract for next year and will continue teaching 1st grade and will be moving to a different elementary. I'm excited about the move but anxious to get started. I'm also waiting on an answer as to whether or not I will be teaching summer school.

As for Luke, he continues to be successful in all that he does with his students and the Special Education program at the high school, as well as Special Olympics program. They just finished their Spring sports and did incredible well, they came home with many medals and ribbons. Recently an opprotunity for Special Services Director has opened and my give-it-all-you've-got husband has put his name in the pot for the job. We are praying for favor and open doors for him in this position, but if not, he will continue to coach football in the fall.

Besides the few things mentioned above, our lives remain the same. We continue to wait on the Lord for answers on what to do about adding to our family. We are scheduled to meet with Dr. Cheng from U.W. on June 28th. Dr. Cheng is the doctor who gave us a synopsis of what was going on with the twins and what to expect. Her information was pretty accurate and we respected and liked our experience with her. We are hoping for some information, but so far most answers we've recieved are similiar to what we heard after Madi, the cause is unknown and there is nothing that says it will or will not happen again. We are hoping for more information from Dr. Cheng. As we know more, we will definately share what they tell us.

We hope all is well in your life and we want to thank you for your support and prayers for us. The Lord has blessed us tremendously. He continues to be pouring into us as we seek him and the strength he gives is what springs us forward and with hope.

beginning to look a lot like Christmas

2009-11-17T11:00:00.000-08:00

Indeed it is at the Jaeger home. I wasn't going to decorate this year because we are rarely home, we are kidless and therefore I didn't think it would be enjoyed by anyone. After my family had visited and we went to some shops around Yakima that were all fancified with Christmas decorations, I decided to decorate. Here are some pictures.

3 in 8, not so great

2009-11-05T15:03:00.000-08:00

Our daughters were born and joined the Lord on October 31 at 8:13 and 8:14. Kynlie Hope weighed 7.1 oz and was 9" (stillborn), Rylie Grace was 4.3 oz and was 6.5" (lived for about an hour).

On Friday we had received the news that things weren't going so great with our pregnancy (read the blog before for more information). I had began bleeding again on Thursday night but the bleeding had decreased over Friday night and into Saturday morning. Come Saturday afternoon, the bleeding once again increased. All day we were speaking life over the twins, believing that they were going to be miracle babies and pull through. I fell asleep for about 30 minutes and awoke to light, painless contractions. We decided to go to the hospital and make sure I wasn't going into labor. Once in the car, I began experiencing pain in my lower back which signalled to me potential labor.

We had decided that if I went into labor naturally, that was God's way of making the call on the pregnancy. We obviously didn't want to end the pregnancy ourselves or to have it end naturally on its own, but we knew that it was all in Gods hands. We also knew that if the girls hearts were beating, but I was in labor, that there was nothing we could do and we would just have to cherish the moments we had with them.

We arrived to the hospital and were immediately admitted. I think I overwhelmed the nurses with all the information I had been given the previous day by the specialist. I wanted to make sure things were done the way I wanted them done or according to what the specialist told me. The nurse tried for 1 1/2 hours to track down my doctor and figure out what to do with me, while I continued to pester her for pain medication. Finally she came back with news that I needed to have an ultrasound and asked if I could wait on the medication. Out of frustration I said I would wait but that I wanted it waiting for me when I returned. By this point I was in so much pain, to move was crippling. On top of the contractions, it felt as if something had burst on my right side. To sit in the wheelchair (that didn't have foot rest, which forced me to use my stomach to hold up my legs) was awful. It proceeded to become worse as the elevator we were on stopped working and we were stuck for 10 minutes. I immediately regretted the decision I made about waiting for the meds.

Once at the ultrasound room, I could barely get out of the wheelchair onto the bed. The technician took a verbal lash from me when she continued to do an ultrasound after I asked her to stop because she was hurting me. The ultrasound determined that Baby B still had a heartbeat and Baby A wasn't really able to be found and though she thought she saw the baby, she believed that its heart wasn't beating.

Since the pain I was in was so excruciating, I demanded that they take me by bed back to the 4th floor which they honored and sure enough, thanks to Paula, the medication was waiting for me. She wasn't lying when she said it would only take the edge off and not completely remove the pain. Minutes later we were greeted by the on-call doctor and I did my best to explain my discussion with the specialist from Friday. Luckily she was smart enough to call the specialist and find out the specifics. The on-call doctor then said she felt I should induce labor and delivery the twins since Baby A didn't have a heartbeat. I said "fine" though I was almost certain that I was in the middle of labor. I continued to ask for an epidural and was refused because I wasn't 'in-labor' yet.

I layed there for what seemed like forever (maybe 1 1/2 hours) as my nurses and the doctor argued the appropriate way to proceed and what to give me as far as medication/pain killers. Once the pain became unbearable I turned into a real monster and demanded pain killers and just about the time I was going to get up and scream at them for the epidural (for what seemed like the 100th time), I felt a pop. I asked my mom to check and she did. She told Luke to go get the nurse because we have problem (with bleeding). As she layed down the blanket to wait for the nurse, I felt this wave-like thing happen and I told my mom "I think I just had a baby" and sure enough, little Kynlie was laying on the bed, and Rylie was on her way out. Even though they were so small, to do the whole thing naturally and without any pain medication except the one that took the edge off, was still outrageously painful. Again, Rylie had a heartbeat (which was identified by Luke, and the doctor told him he was wrong. About 25 minutes later, the nurse noticed as well). We both got to hold her as her time passed. Kynlie looked a lot like Madilyn, but Rylie hadn't quiet developed enough to look like her sisters. We weren't 100% sure what we were having until we delivered, but they were both beautiful and all we could have wanted!

After delivering the twins, I found out that my doctor for the evening was m.i.a. I was having trouble getting the placenta to pass, and they were concerned about what might happened the longer they left it in. We waited about a 1/2 hour for her to return. Once she appeared, she (without warning) strapped on her gloves and began a manual extraction. I have never been in more pain, screamed so loud, been so violated and abused in my entire life. I honestly felt like she was killing and sexually abusing me. After many times of extracting, being elbow deep in me (a person who didn't have drugs and probably didn't dilate past 3 cm), she decided to finally take me into surgery. The issue with this is, there wasn't an emergency and therefore it wasn't completely necessary for her to be man-handling me like this and she mentioned that "she didn't want to go into surgery if she didn't have to." She could have done the same thing, only I would have been knocked out and not felt it all. My surgery/continued extraction lasted about an hour, and Luke mentioned that at one point I was screaming again, so it must have still be awful (I don't remember this).

I awoke to my wonderful, prince charming of a husband who was by my side the entire time that he could be. He admitted that he was close to "taking the doctor out" after I continued to scream stop and she kept going. He did his best to keep me smiling, laughing and light-hearted as we went to the recovery room and were reunited with the twins (by the way, Luke has been my strong knight-in-shining armor through this whole thing, I can't believe this courage and ability to not fall apart, he truly is fantastic and hand picked by God just for me). Our friends, Justin and Emmily brought us late night Burger King and stayed to chat for a couple of hours. I couldn't sleep at all that night, so I pretty much talked to God, looked at/held the girls, chatted with the nurse and facebooked. Even though the experience was awful, I had the most tremendous nurses. I am so thankful that they were there to be my advocate when the doctor wasn't. The next morning we were comforted by my parents and enjoyed watching church from the hospital. After church, Pastor(s) Tom/Tanya/Justin came and we dedicated the twins, like we had with Madi.

Three babies lost in almost exactly 8 months. To call it what it is, IT SUCKS. At first I felt like this was all easier, and my initial response was that of thankfulness. As the days go by, just like they did with Madi, the emotions are setting in and again, I feel all that I experienced 8 months ago. I'm a little more angry this time, but I know God is God and I look forward to the day that I can look back and have an understanding of why he used me in this way again. I know its all for his glory, but to see his glory revealed will make it more understandable. The physical recovery has been much harder as well. I came home very tender and even a week later, I continue to be in pain. Luke and I have talked minimally about whats next (as far as children). A few months ago we briefly talked about adopting if we lost the twins. That might be our next step, or we might try again. We need to wait about a year, and in that time we are really going to focus on finding some answers or at least a doctor who can help get us to a successful pregnancy. The wait and not knowing the outcomes are the hardest part. Right now I have a lot of fear, but maybe I will be healed from that fear by the time we try again. Until that time we are going to continue serving God, hopefully take a trip to end 2009 on a good note, and possibly buy a house.

To those who have been praying for us, we really (more than words can say) appreciate that prayer. I hope God blesses you for blessing us!

What we know

2009-10-30T17:50:00.000-07:00

Today we saw the specialist from Seattle, and what she determined is that I have a placental abruption and a large blood clot behind the placenta. Baby A has lost its amniotic fluid and is about a week behind in development. Baby B has its amniotic fluid but is about 3 weeks behind in development. There are several concerns: that Baby A could cause me to go into labor, that Baby A has only a matter of time and even if it continues to live, that once it is out, it won't have lungs that are developed enough to survive (because of the lack amniotic fluid). Baby B isn't growing and therefore if I delivered early, doesn't have the lung development because the placenta isn't helping it to grow. We asked for a timeline and she said since the sac broke for Baby A, she wouldn't be surprised if I go into labor in the next few days. They gave me the option to terminate the pregnancy or wait for it to happen on its own, but both have serious risk of me hemorrhaging. If I hemorrhage and am in labor in Yakima, I risk the chance of having a c-section that would be equivalent to a hysterectomy. If I'm in Seattle I would have the option of removal by d & e. Though all our choices have risks and aren't favorable, we have decided to let things happened naturally, whether God continues our pregnancy and a miracle takes place or we just go through the motions of labor, hoping for no hemorrhaging. We appreciate all the prayers and concerns, and we will continue to update as we know. For now, I continue on bedrest until something happens.

The time has come

2009-10-23T16:14:00.000-07:00

We have reached the point in the pregnancy when we can find out what we are having. I'd like to say that my 'intuition' has been correct when it comes to baby gender, but it hasn't. I was convinced that Madilyn was a boy, had dreams she was a boy, and sure enough she was all girl. However, with this pregnancy I knew I was pregnant from about conception and I knew it was twins very early on. I am thinking we have a boy and girl, but what about you? Last year I put up a poll, and I've decided to do the same this year. To the right is the poll, and I'd love to see what people think. We find out Tuesday.

For names, here are our thoughts (names/spelling may change):
boy/boy: Kason Matthew Hawk Jaeger and Kyson David ? Jaeger (all Luke)
girl/girl: Kynlie Hope Jaeger and Riley/Rylie Grace Jaeger
boy/girl: Kason & Kynlie

God is in control

2009-10-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

Job 11:13-19 says “Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, 14if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, 15then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. 16You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. 17Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. 18You will be secure, because there is hope;you will look about you and take your rest in safety. 19You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor."

These verses (11-17) talk about turning my heart to God (especially in this time), lifting my hands (either in praise or surrender), and then holding my head high in confidence, without fear and stand firm trusting God will take care of everything. With this attitude and perspective, days will be brighter and what seemed like troubles will no longer be a concern.

The next couple verses (18-19) speak to my pregnancy. With this attitude I will be secure because there is hope for these babies. I will look at myself, counting my blessings, and rest knowing that this time on bed-rest is safety for these babies and I will lie down and not be afraid of loosing them.

The end of the last verse (19) says "and many will court your favor." I think that this implies that others will look at my time on bed-rest and seek what I had during this time. Not only my outcome, but my attitude and deeper relationship with Christ. They will see that only God made this possible and his hand was over the situation and that he held us the entire time, and because of this, he will have blessed us with two beautiful babies.

high, low, high timeline

2009-09-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

A lot has been happening in our lives, and I have broken them into two categories. I thought I would do a high, low, high to bring everyone up to speed.

Pregnancy
high: its twins
low: double the high risk
high: double blessed
low: I began having miscarriage like symptoms (cramping and bleeding at 12 weeks)
high: everything's okay (says the Doctor)
low: the bleeding continue's into week 13 and I am asked to rest at home but not come in to see the Doctor; frustrating!
high: I became a new patient of Dr. Nevil and I'm seen for the bleeding.
low: unsure why I am bleeding
high: but the babies are okay, strong heartbeats (153 and 180)
low: the bleeding is light, off-on-off, during week 14. On Wednesday, September 23 I have back pain during lunch and in the afternoon. I figured my body is making room for the babies. At 4pm, I find that I am wrong and I need to go to the hospital because the bleeding has returned and is heavy. I am immediately seen and the bleeding is non-stop and equivalent to after I delivered Madi. I begin to panic and prepare for the worst.
high: the ultrasound shows cardiac movement in both babies. Praise God!
low: bleeding source is still unknown and I am sent home.
high: my parents come over to take care of me and, as my Grandma put it, my "bull-dog" of my Mom was now with me to ask questions and get answers.
low: Dr. Nevil isn't in for a week, but the nurse practioner Trish (love her) and Dr. Johns see me and diagnose me with placenta previa (my placenta is extremely low and on my cervix), and I am on bedrest til Dr. Nevil returns.
high: I was able to see Dr. Nevil a day sooner, I saw him today (Sept. 30). He believes that there are 2 placenta's which doesn't put me at a greater risk. One looks to be in the correct position, the other is covering my cervix, but it can move to where it belongs.
low: he forgot that we had met before (understandable) and thought I was only 13 weeks pregnant (I quickly reminded him that I was almost 16 weeks). He has prescribed another 4 weeks of bed-rest and at that time he will determine if I should be on longer or if I can return to life outside of bed-rest.
high: the babies are still alive, I can feel movement, I have the opprotunity to rest, my parents blessed us with groceries and preparing food to make it easier for Luke and I.
13 weeks---------->
low: bedrest is kind of boring, I miss being able to get up and do whatever/whenever, feel laziness kicking in, I am worrying about my class, job and our finances.
high: God is blessing me with bedrest as a chance to actually have these babies, and even though its hard not to worry about everything that's outside of my house and my out of my control, I am able to spend time with God and he is showing me through his word that he will take care of us.
Work
high: I got an Elementary Self-contained teaching job
low: they broke the news to me sooner than they were suppose to, so I had to wait a week to find out if I actually had the job or not.
high: I got the 2nd opening for an Elementary Self-contained job
low: I found out for sure the day before school started, which limited my planning time.
high: the other teacher hired had experience, so I got to observe until I was ready to do it on my own.
low: it was suggested that I take the 1st grade position that opened up, and again I would have one day to prepare.
high: it was the best decision I made!
low: I took student teaching for granted, I don't think I realized how much my cooperating teacher had done to make my students ready for learning.
high: after a few weeks, things were finally falling into place.
low: I can't be there to continue the work that I was doing and I have concerns that bedrest could be hurting my chances for a job next year, and could hurt us financially.
high: I just got my first paycheck, and if we can be diligent in our spending, toss the extra into savings, and trust in God...we will be okay.

pregnancy dreams turned to reality

2009-08-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

July 21, 2009, copied from my journal to the baby.

Last night I had the craziest dream. Pregnancy dreams can be a bit out there, but I would love for parts of this dream to be true. I had a dream that I was with Grandma Nonna, Grandpa Wayne, and a lady named Mona, who was a friend of Grandma’s when I was a kid. All of a sudden my belly got huge and I felt a lot of movement. I told Nonna to look at my tummy and as she did, we saw two little faces pressing against my stomach. Nonna said we needed to call the Doctor so he could make sure you were both healthy. Then a baby, which I felt was a boy, shot straight up and I could see his face on my upper belly near my rib cage. I tried to push him down because I was worried he was going to push through my skin. When I pushed, I felt feet pop out of where I would deliver a baby. I told Grandma Nonna to look, and she refused, told me that everything was fine. Not believing her, I looked for myself and saw two little feet with purple toenails, which made me think that they had toe nail polish on them. I thought, it’s a girl.

We made it to Doctor Harrington’s office for an ultrasound and when we got there, Doctor Harrington said “This is not what I expected for your next pregnancy.” I about lost it, because I thought he was going to tell me there were no heartbeats. Instead he said “its twins.” And then I woke up.

When we were pregnant with your sister, Daddy was hoping that she was a twin. We both agreed that we would love to have twins. Hopefully we do, but if there is only one of you, we will love you just as much as we would if there were two.

August 10, 2009 copied from my journal to the babies.

Words can’t even describe how I feel right now. I think I will begin with the beginning of the day and that will unfold most the story of such an eventful day. This morning I was awaken by Grandpa Dave ringing the door bell at a very early 7:20 am. Daddy was in the shower, and I hadn’t planned to get up for another 40 minutes. I had been having dreams, two, that I had a fake pregnancy and one where I had a miscarriage. They were awful and I was hoping that I wouldn’t experience any of this with this pregnancy and/or at my appointment today. I called Grandma Nonna and told her I had my appointment and was getting nervous that I would receive bad news. She prayed for me, and I went along with my morning by going to work.

Daddy and I met at the Doctors office at 10:15am. We were doing a ultrasound first and then meeting with Doctor Harrington. We began the exam and I told the technician that I might cry. As the ultrasound began, before handing the instrument I began asking “Is that twins? Are there two in there?” She responded a little frantically saying “yes, I mean didn’t you know, no I mean yes there are two.” I told her I didn’t know, all that made me think we were having twins was my dream from weeks before. She confirmed by slowing down the shots on the sacks and focusing on the two little babies that were on the screen in front of us. Daddy and I were smiling from ear to ear, I cried, Daddy was so excited he was speechless. What a wonderful surprise.

So as of now, they have labeled you baby A and baby B. To be honest, looking at the picture, I am not sure which is baby A and baby B, but I do know that one of the heartbeats is 140, and the other is 160. In the picture, I am think that the baby of the left is a boy and the one on the right is a girl. This is just a guess, but typically a boys heart-rate is around 140 and girls are higher at around 160. One of each would be such an amazing gift, but let me assure you, that you both are an amazing gift. Never did we expect that we would be double blessed. It was a hope but not something I considered to be our reality.

I called Nonna and she was at her sisters, Auntie Bobbies, getting ready to move her to Montana. Grandpa Scott and Grandma Joyce were there too and as I told Nonna, all I heard was screaming of excitement. Everyone is so incredibly shocked, and completely full of joy. They even commented that it will be nice because they won’t have to fight over one baby since there will be two.

Two…I still can’t believe it. Amazed and blessed is all I can think right now.

next time is now...

2009-07-09T17:37:00.000-07:00

What a year...its been the shortest and most eventful year of my life. My year began on July 5th, not only was it a day where I became a wife, but also a mom. Having just past our 1 year anniversary, I had such mixed emotions because I knew that it was one of the best days of my life, but knowing that Madi wasn't with us made it alittle hard since she was concieved on that day. During the year of 2008-2009 I have again, become a wife, a mom, a teacher, a worship leader, I student taught, I graduated with my masters and I experienced a love and loss I never thought I'd have to experience.

As July 6, 2009 came, I felt like maybe this would be a start of a better year, that we would close the book on such a cauotic year and enter into territory that was familiar and that we could do a better job at. I'd like to think that this past year was a 'rough draft' as God continues to reveal our written story. It was a test run, a practice for the real thing. My hopes are that this year will be a year of difference; that next July 5th we will look back and say "what a great chapter" because our story isn't over. So far, this year is beginning to look very similar to last year, but I have a better attitude and know what to expect when it comes to being a wife, a mother, a teacher, a worship leader, and a woman of God. Nothing about this past year has been easy, but I learned so much and I know this time around will be better.

Tomorrow we meet with the specialist from U.W. to discuss what to do next time we are pregnant, but 'oh, what a glorious day' because next time, is now!!! We found out this afternoon that we are once again pregnant. What a blessing, such a precious and special gift. I looked back on my pregnancy with Madi and had regrets, and I will not have any this time because this time is different...we will have a healthy baby, there will be no death or complications, and just like before, we will continue to praise God regardless, in Jesus name, AMEN.

2009-06-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

Today I got a little nervous and excited because for the last week or two I have been feeling strange movement in my tummy and it reminds me alot of Madi's movement. I continue to get negative pregnancy results and I had a heavy menstral cycle that begin June 12 and finished up about a week later. I don't think its possible for me to be pregnant and to be having 2 of the biggest indicators of pregnancy not resulting in favor of being pregnant. Right now I am going through my most fertile days and I am hoping something sticks. I don't want to go to the doctor because I don't want them to tell me I am making things up or for them to consider me crazy because of what I've been through. I know that I want a baby really bad, but I don't think I'm believing something that isn't actually happening.

happy fathers day...

2009-06-20T15:11:00.000-07:00

...to the greatest man I know, who was and will be the most wonderful Daddy. I know that your time with Madilyn was short, but you impressed me with your ability to love her in that short time. There was so much you missed out on since you didn't have her in your tummy, but you made up for it once she was with us. I know you would have won her heart and I have a feeling that I would have become the second most important lady in your life. We would have had many arguements on what she would become or be good at, but with all the best intentions. Thank you for blessing me with such a beautiful baby girl, and I hope you give me atleast one more and I promise we'll have a boy too, but for me...think girl! I love you and you've been all that I needed to get through one of the roughest years of my life, and I'm glad I had such a strong man beside me the whole way.

Also, Happy Fathers Day to all the Dad's out there, including my own Dad, Grandpa and Scott. Travis, you really stepped up this past year and I am proud of you for all your hard work to provide for Jamie and Parker. To all the new Dads, old Dads, the one's inbetween and the one's to be.

triple L

2009-06-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

After finishing my Masters in Teaching about 3 months ago, I am already thinking about my next move (as far as in in my education). I'd like to say that I'm done with earning degree's but I guess I really enjoy school; to bad it costs money or I'd do it the rest of my life. I just applied to Libery University Online for a Masters in Teaching and Learning in Special Education. I have absolutely enjoyed the opprotunities I've had in the self-contained Special Education classes that I've subbed in and about half way through the M.I.T. program, I felt like I might want to teach kids with special needs, so I am starting to look into programs. I have few questions I need answered by OSPI and I need to complete my FASFA, but other than that I'm back to school. Its true what they say about teachers, you really are a life-long learner.

Golden Apple

2009-06-10T21:53:00.000-07:00

Luke was nominated to recieve the Golden Apple Award. His paperwork was due on June 9 and we will find out in the fall whether he recieved it or not. I have no doubt that he will get it. He's absolutely committed to what he does for his students and the Special Education Program/Special Olympics, and its very obvious that a 'job-well-done' is just a tiny piece of the Lucas Jaeger puzzle.

speaking to the Lord

2009-06-10T20:58:00.000-07:00

Lord as I sit and wait for you to bring new life into my life, I ask for patience and peace, that I would not become discouraged or fall backwards but that I would keep moving forward, fighting the good fight, everyday. Jesus let me see what it is that you have for me in this season, and Lord that in your time you would allow me to recieve the gift of a baby. Let me not be seeking temporary satisfaction in possessions, but give me strength to be satisfied in you.

Satisfy me Lord
Feed the hunger of my heart
Let me know that you are here
Fill up my cup

Pour your Spirit out oh Lord
Over the empty parts of me
Here is where I find you
In you I'm made complete

Let me seek you in the stillness
or in the chaos of my life
Lord that you would be my comfort
that you'd be my desire

Satisfy me Lord
Feed the hunger of my heart
Let me know that you are here
Fill up my cup

Pour your Spirit out oh Lord
Over the empty parts of me
Here is where I find you
In you I'm made complete

When the burdens are so heavy
and my heart wants to be free
Let me remember
You died to carry them for me

Wow...in just writing to the Lord, I kind of wrote a song. Interesting.

you hold me now

2009-06-10T17:33:00.000-07:00

I've been kind of feeling in a funk the last couple days, and things have been a little tense around our house because our water pipe broke. The weather has been dreary and not June-like and so that hasn't helped out much either.

This past weekend was pretty nice, I was able to have some down time with the doggies on Saturday while Luke was away at Coaches Retreat (for Football). I am trying to prepare to the upcoming season because I'm pretty much husband-less for a couple months, but maybe it won't be like the seasons past.

I also met up with Carrie B., a good friend from college/Gamma Phi who is from Yakima. I think it'd be pretty great if she moved back in the area, but it doesn't sound like an option for her. However, Jamie and Travis are about a week away from living an hour away from us, which couldn't be more exciting! I miss my bestie and it will be nice to have her near.

One of the most memorable moments of the weekend, which was partially hard and partially healing was when I held baby Marley, Pastor Tom's granddaughter. Shauna was pregnant while I was pregnant and I have to admit I became a little jealous that she was being blessed with her baby girl but I lost mine. God works in mysterious ways because Pastor Tom just happened to speak on Mothers Day about heart conditions and how jealousy is one of them, and how to resolve that feeling...which was to express the person how you feel. I had planned to do this with Shauna but God made the perfect (and less-awkward) way. Part of the sermon spoke about how once we confess, we need to rejoice in the thing that we are jealous of, and I let her know that I was sincerely excited that she and Bryam were being blessed with Marley. Beautiful baby Marley came into the world about two weeks ago, and I was really excited to see her but from talking to the Lawson family, they weren't sure how to interact with me because of Marley. Luckily I cleared the air for Pastor Tom and I let him know that I'm okay with hearing him talk about her, and he was given peace after that conversation. Later last week, I was called by Pastor Tanya to see if I would be okay with being mentioned in the sermon on Sunday and I agreed to it. Once Sunday came, I was prepared for what he would be saying and I accepted that I might shed some tears, but what I didn't expect was for Pastor Tom the hand baby Marley to me and say 'that his prayer is that everytime I see Marley, it wouldn't be hurt but healing and that I would be like an Auntie to her'. What a blessing and a truely wonderful word that he spoke over me and act that he did by allowing me to hold her (as well as Shauna allowing it). She was so beautiful, alert, she smiled at me and though she wasn't Madi, I definately saw a glimpse of my daughter and my heart began to feel a little more full than its been for a while. To hold her made me think of when they first handed Madi to me, how I wished that I could have seen her eyes or watch her move, and this time I could smile and cry tears of joy and as well as some tears of pain. Every once in a while, usually when Marley smiled, was when I felt like it was Gods way of giving me what my heart longed for, it gave me a picture and a feeling of what I will someday experience with my own children, and that his promises are still there for me and I can and will be a mother again. I didn't feel 'empty arms' or 'broken hearted' but felt at peace and it was just what was missing. It truely was a great day and a day I needed. I included the video of Sunday's sermon (http://www.westvalleyfoursquare.org/video.html) Super Life: June 7, 2009

So my blog is titled 'you hold me now' and its a song that has been running through my mind all day, and its by Hillsong. The song just speaks about how God holds us and how when we are in his presence we are made whole, and how heaven is place where there is not hurt or pain, and I am just reminded about how Madi is held by the Lord, but also that God holds me as I continue to go through this.

64 and 7

2009-06-04T13:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream that I was in Anacortes (I think at my Mom's house) and I had taken a pregnancy test (which was not your normal pregnancy test) and immediately it started doing weird calculations and it didn't say positive but it gave 64 days and 7 weeks which was the indicator that I was pregnant. I ran out of the bathroom yelling and crying with excitement. I'm sure my response will be just that but unfortunately I'm still not pregnant.

newest little love

2009-06-01T10:05:00.001-07:00

Duffy

Jaeger

born on March 20, 2009 came into our home last night and filled our hearts with such joy. She is such a little cuddle-bug and loves to give kisses. Toven doesn't know what to think of her yet, but I know they will be friends soon.

Garbage-man

2009-05-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

God is honoring my hearts desires and guiding me through so many things, and for that I have to say 'thank God'. This weekend I went to a retreat called Cleansing Streams which is a deliverance ministry which is actually more of a sanctification process. Some of the topics we discussed and healed for were: rejection, guilt/shame/condemnation, purity, death and fear. For someone, who hasn't experienced this retreat, it could sound like a self-help seminar and it sort of was, but from a Godly standpoint. Sometimes we carry around bags of garbage from things that have happened to us, around us or even before us (generationally) and it keeps us from living the life that God intended for his children. I like to think I'm perfect, but the obvious answer is that nobody is perfect expect the author of perfection and when he wrote out my story, he intended me to be like him and made me in his image. The topics we discussed were not good fruits in my life, but rotting/stinky/molding fruit that Satan used against me. After this weekend I feel like so much weight has been lifted in my life, I definately tried to carry a (heavy) bag of garbage that 1. wasn't meant for me to carry and 2. that God paid for when he died on the cross. What a great garbage-man! Its really funny that I now make this connection because over the last year, I have felt like God's been pulling my garbage out and for people to see (many people have heard this), but it wasn't that at all, he was just doing his job and ultimately refining me to become what I'm meant to be, in His image.

Divine-appointment....

Also at the retreat, I was able to share a quick testimony of what God did for me during the retreat but I think it begins with somebody else's testimony. During lunch, I saw this lady who had a baby and I overheard her say she was 3 months old. I'm not usually forward like this, but with everything that happened with Madi, I just had a need to know when her birthday was, so I asked. She was born on March 1, which happened to be the most heart-breaking day of my life. I told the lady that I had found out my daughters heart was no longer beating on that day, and I think I caught her off guard because she didn't really know what to say, BUT I filled the dead-air by telling her how blessed I am for being able to see a baby (pretty much) the same age as Madi would have been, to see her mannerisms and size, and just how precious and beautiful she was. Some more dead-air and awkwardness was present so I said my goodbye and walked away.

We rejoined for the next session which happened to be death, but the speaker said that she was encouraged by this lady's testimony and wanted her to share it. Grace, her husband and daughter (the lady from the paragraph before) were all of a sudden standing in the front. She shared that she had attended cleansing streams last May and at the time she was infertile. After a powerful and freeing weekend, she returned home and finally agreed to seek fertility treatment. A couple weeks later she had a dream where she was handed a baby and she questioned the person who handed her the baby on how it was possible, because she felt no pain and the voice said "the curse over your body has been lifted." She went about with her life and thought nothing of the dream but then after a while she felt God pressing her to remember the dream, and so for kicks she took a pregnancy test and it was positive. She called the doctor to change her fertility appointment to a prenatal appointment and at the appointment found out she was 7 weeks pregnant. Seeing God's hand over the entire situation, she decided to count back 7 weeks on the calendar and sure enough it was the weekend that she had attended Cleansing Streams. Her husband had been gone and when they reunited (after she came home from the retreat), they (unknowingly) made baby Gracella.

I am so encouraged by this story because I know that God can do the same for me and in my life. He knows the desires of my heart are to be a mother and I know in his perfect timing that I will be.

Now to the part that I shared with 200 or so people and I'm now sharing with you, because I write this in faith that God can do this...

When I first decided to begin the Cleansing Streams group and attend the retreat, I was attending so that I could be free of things that were from my past, but the week before I started the classes, I lost Madi. I was aware that God was in the process of refining me because he had been taking out the garbage over the last year. I just thought that God was just honoring my desires, since when I first became pregnant, all I could think about what how I wanted to wait and get the marriage going smoothly and to work through some of the crud in my life, and God was doing that the entire time of my pregnancy. As a church we were supposed to begin fasting 40 days and that would begin a couple days into March, and I was convinced that God was moving me from a season of refinement and restoration, into a season of motherhood. March 1 came and as I questioned "why" and I thought of my obedience in serving God and I became angry because I thought God had been taking me from one season of life to the next. Now God doesn't work in my way of thinking, and I don't fully understand why Madi isn't here now, but I can see the works he's done in my heart and my life because of this. I realize, especially now after attending Cleansing Streams, that God still had more garbage to take out. Again, I'm not perfect, but God is smoothing out the rough edges and restoring me to wholeness. I wanted to be a perfect mother to Madi, and I didn't want her to ever experience the stuff I had experienced, and God knew that, so he took her to a place of perfection. It wasn't until those areas were chipped away that I could be the mother I want to be, and the generational stuff would have been passed down to her and effected her life. God is so gracious to have spared her from my garbage. I told the people at Cleansing Streams, that I hope to be next years testimony and be holding a beautiful (hopefully 3 month old) baby. I believe the Lord will do this, that Luke and I will share a similiar story to Grace and her husband, but I will continue to seek and praise God even if it doesn't. I won't let discouragement or fear prevent me from living in God's will for me. Where there once was death in my life, now there is life and abudant life!

won't stay silent

2009-05-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

Its been weeks since I last blogged, partially because I feel like I can't place words on how I feel (I can barely determine what I feel) and also because life has been pretty busy and I don't know where to begin.

Usually a good place to begin would be the beginning (duh), but my life feels so scattered and in constant change that to pinpoint a specific area of life to elaborate on is a bit of a challenge, and now that I've let so much time pass, so much has happened.

Some questions I commonly get are: "How are you doing?" and "Did the Doctors ever find out anything?" so I'll start there...

I'd like to say that I'm doing great, but I've taken some detours since March 2 and the days, weeks and now months following. Days come that are good, and even reach great and then there are lower days that remind me of what is missing and why I feel so down.To place a focus on the positive, here are some things that have happened since my last post:

*I've been subbing during the days and working at Wells Fargo Financial at night
*had a girls weekend with my best friend Jamie and our friend Jessica
*graduated with a Masters in Teaching
*celebrated Mothers Day with some wonderful Mothers (Mom, Grandma, Pat, Tanya and many more ladies from church)
*Luke and I went to Cheney for a weekend. He played in an Alumni vs. current Rugby game, and I got to spend time with Jamie and Parker.
*Have an interview with Riverside Christian on June 4th for a teaching position (Praise God for a potential opprotunity, be praying too)

We also met with the genetics counselor again for some testing to see if there are any answers as to what happened (the blood clotting the fetal vessels of the placenta) and to potentially prevent this from happening again. Our Doctor's plan was to refer us to a paranatologist, but before we could meet with them we had to complete some testing with the genetics counselor. They tested for thrombolysis (blood clotting), thyriod and lupus. All my tests came back normal except for the test for lupus, however the results weren't strong enough to suggest that I have lupus so they are re-testing me in 6 weeks. The genetic counselor said that because the tests were normal, there is nothing else they can do to find answers but that we can still discuss a plan for next time.

...and about next time, as in pregnancy, we are still not pregnant but we are trying (but not as hard as we could be). Its been very discouraging to have not conceived yet, especially since it was so easy the first time, however I have had some spotting twice this month and I'm hoping that's moving me toward a "you-know-what" (I can't believe I'm saying this, but..I've never been so excited for a menstral cycle to come).

I've been thinking about having my blogs pertain to my feelings and what God is showing me as I go through this, but I felt like that would be selfish, and I realize that that is from the enemy, who wouldn't want me to stay silent and not speak out of my heart and be an encouragement to others. I won't send out emails all the time after I've updated my blog, but feel free to check back and see what God's doing. So here it goes...

At the beginning of grieving Madi's passing, it was hard for me to find encouragement by reading what other's had experienced, I think its because the wound was so fresh but now its encouraging to know strong woman of faith are feeling similiar feelings. I felt like my response at first was so strong, and when I started feeling sadness, I looked at it as weakness. One woman's story that has encouraged me is Jill McCoghry from Hillsong in Australia. When I read her blogs and the fact that she is feeling what I feel even a year later, and I see strength in Christ, not weakness...I realize I am human and its okay to feel the way I do, and its okay to be angry at my circumstances because God can handle my anger, he's a big God and a God of love who will continue to pour out his love as I heal.

keeping on...

2009-04-11T17:35:00.000-07:00

This past week has been very busy, I'd say that its the closest thing to normal that I've felt in over 6 weeks, however I've noticed that I'm more aware of everything I've gone through which has made some of my days harder than they've been. So here's been the last 6 days:

On Saturday, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I know that I mentioned we are trying again, but I have kind of been rethinking that because I think it would be healthier for me to try and get the pregnancy weight off. I have been so obsessed with my weight and have been working my toosh off to shed the pounds before getting pregnant again, and I thought for sure that since I was making progress in my weight loss that I would be pregnant. . I was so surprised at my reaction of disappointment when I read that the test was negative. I thought that I would feel relieved because I had more time to keep working out, but that wasn't the case. Since then I have been so confused by the mixed emotions on becoming pregnant and loosing weight, I have to say that its kind of annoying, I'm impartial. I've decided whatever happens, happens.

I expected Easter to be a little hard since it was the day that we planned on dedicating Madi and having my family in town, and I found that the first two services I was okay (I was on the worship team), but it was third service that I had a little difficulty with. Having Luke's family there with us was nice, but it just reminded me what was missing.

Monday was my first day back to work in 6 weeks. I thought that I was going to have this overwhelming anxiety/sadness but I awoke with joy, which transitioned into a wonderful and smooth first day of work. In fact the entire "work" week was great. We had our doctors appointment that afternoon, and after waiting an hour for the doctor to meet with us, we were finally able to sit and talk about what may have happened. I was completely shocked when I started crying once I was in the waiting room...seeing the doctor, the fact that the last time I was in that room Madi's heart was still beating, and being close to possibly finding out some answers made it all come back. Like I've said before, I don't expect answers because the answers I seek aren't going to come from a doctor, however, Dr. Harrington said that there was blood clotting in the fetal vessels of the placenta and he wasn't sure whether this was a cause or an effect. He is sending us to speak with high risk specialists from UW, they will run some blood tests on me to see if I have something that could have caused the clotting, and create a plan for the next pregnancy. I'm very happy to know that I will be monitored like crazy next time.

On Thursday I attended the career fair in Tacoma, which hopefully got my name out their for future employment. After that, I met up with my grandparents and cousin in Northgate for lunch which was really nice, but I had to race back to Yakima and finish working on my portfolio for my Masters, which was due today (Friday) at our last seminar. I am offically DONE, and I'm celebrating my accomplishment and hard work. I don't usually speak highly of myself, something I'm working on, but I am so proud of all I've done and today was a great day knowing I've completed this program. However, it was a hard day because during the seminar people got to introduce who they brought with them, and I instantly thought of how Madi was supposed to be there with me, and it didn't help that the seat next to me was empty, and would have been hers. Again it made me so proud of who I have become and my accomplishments over the last year and a half, but it also felt a little empty.

So after my first week back to the life I lived before March 1, I'd say it was pretty good but it also had some tender moments when I realized that maybe now I'm starting to deal with what's happened. I really miss Madi and wish she were here, and maybe thats because of all the events that reminded me of her this week, but I am thankful for a week that felt familiar.

Our Hope Endures

2009-04-03T16:19:00.000-07:00

We've passed Madi's due date, and I was actually surprised at how easy the day itself was. The days leading up to March 31st were progressively difficult, but once we got to the coast, it seemed to be a little easier. After loosing Madi, Luke and I felt that some time away would be nice. I've been extremely busy with student teaching and working, and our honeymoon was non-stop, so we felt with spring break landing the same time as Madi's due date, we would take some time together, away from Yakima. Though Hawaii or somewhere warmer and with sunshine would have been nice, the Oregon Coast offered us a peaceful gateway to enjoy eachother.

Life has began to go back to normal for Luke and I. I think I've enjoyed maternity leave a little too much, because I'm not ready to go back to work, however it will be nice to be a bit busier. One of the hardest parts of the last month was not knowing what to do or how to live oustide of the busy schedule that I was operating on before we lost Madi. Madi was supposed to be the completion of all my hard work, as well as fulfilling my hopes and dreams of becoming a teacher and mother. When we lost her, I wasn't sure what to look forward too...but life continues and I've learned that I need to keep working toward what would have happened in our lives if she were here. I am hoping to be hired by a school district for the upcoming school year, as well as hoping to become pregnant. I plan to attend the career fair on April 16th in Tacoma (so keep that in prayer) and we didn't quiete listen to the doctor, so without too much detail, we're trying again for a baby.

I'm sure for some, its hard to understand why we'd be trying again so soon, but I have such a need to be a mother. I assume part of it is because I was preparing to have my daughter and now all I have is memories, nothing to hold or love on. I thought I might have been a bit selfish in telling Luke that we needed to try again and soon, because maybe he wouldn't be ready, but I found comfort and excitement when he agreed that he too has a need to be a Dad. His way of handling this is much different than mine, but its nice to be in agreement with the thought of another baby.

Though I wouldn't have ever wished to go through this, nor do I ever want to again, its amazing to see all that's come from this experience. I would find it harder to find hope if I didn't know God, and if I wasn't seeing fruit coming from this. Its amazing how God has used this for good, and in so many different ways. Its amazing to see others touched because of our response to loosing Madi. Its definately all because of the strength that God gives. I definately couldn't have endured this without knowing Christ and because I know him, I have hope for my future. His word, the Bible, promises this in Jeremiah 29:11. This verse is well-known and it speaks to my heart and my circumstances. When I was searching this verse online, I found a really neat website that put into words (better than I could) how this verse has spoken to me and has touched my heart. I couldn't agree more with this lady. I have been going through Cleansing Streams Ministry the last couple weeks and within the workbook, I had to rewrite Jeremiah 29:11 so that it read: "For I know the plans I have for Ashley," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper Ashley and not to harm Ashley, plans to give Ashley a hope and a future". Such a powerful verse already, but it has so much more meaning when I realize that God really does declare and promises that over me and my life.

From the desk of Sculptor - Bridgette Mongeon

My hopeful friend,
Sometimes you hear a scripture and when you do, you know that though it has been in existence for years, and others may have read it before you, in your heart you know-God wrote this one for you. That's the way I feel about Jeremiah 29:11.

The first time I remember hearing it was at a high school graduation. It was the class' graduation scripture. That day when I heard it I claimed the promise for myself. I was going through an incredibly difficult time. My husband had left, divorce was imminent, my daughter was six and going through her own emotional turmoil over losing her daddy. And I was trying to figure out how on earth I was going to work everything out. Could I be what my daughter needed? What about my future? Would I have to give up my direction with my sculpting? Would I make it financially? Plans to prosper, and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future.

If I could wrap up one scripture, tie it with a bow and give it to you it would most likely be this one. Let me remind you: God loves you. He wants to give you hope and a future, no matter what circumstances you are in. He has everything already figured out. There is peace in that. Hold this one dear to your heart as I have.

When I first thought of sculpting this piece I was going to sculpt a crying child, perhaps because it is in that state that I need the assurance that this scripture gives me. After prayer I changed it to this sleeping baby, claiming the promise that this scripture brings peace. Trust in God. This dear child sleeps peacefully knowing his dad has everything under control, he knows he will be safe, and cared for. We know this too. Our Heavenly Father has a plan.

God not only speaks to me through this word but also in song. Jeremiah 29:11 is for me during this time in my life, and so is song #10 on my playlist, "Our Hope Endures" by Natalie Grant.

Madilyn Joy

2009-03-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

I am at a loss for words, but I'm sure as I write this they will come and I will look back thinking 'wow, what a long blog.' Its been over three weeks since we had and lost Madi, and my heart has just begun to break. Having my family in town made it really easy to put aside the feelings of grief but they are very much present this week. I have tried to keep myself busy so that I don't focus on our loss but rather the life that continues without her. So many thoughts of 'what if, I wish, I wonder' go through my mind but I'm trying to remember to trust in God's bigger plan, however emptiness is what I feel at the moment.

On Sunday March 1 I woke up after a restless night of tossing and turning because I wasn't feeling well. The church was hosting a baby shower for me, so I was really excited and had something to look forward to. When I got to church, I noticed that I was having a hard time breathing (a constant feeling like the wind was knocked out of me) but I was deteremined to get through the day. After the baby shower, I met up with Luke and we went to Target. I had been really ancy during the weekend to get the baby room done and buy the rest of the items we'd need for Madilyn. I bargained with Luke that if we could just get through Target, we'd go to the ER and get checked out. That was of course after I stopped at Safeway to get the makings for our tepee project in class, after we brought all the stuff in from target and after I took a shower. In the midst of trying to think ahead, I wasn't expecting to have my world come to a complete stop. We waited in the hospital for what seemed like forever. I thought they'd move me in and out pretty quickly since I was 36 weeks pregnant, but unfortunately I had to wait my turn. I think somewhere in the mix they forgot I was pregnant (or couldn't tell just by looking) because they originally took me to be examined on the ER floor and when I mentioned (again) I was pregnant they immediately rushed me to the 4th floor (Labor and Delivery). The nurse came in with the doppler and for 5 minutes tried to find Madi's heartbeat. She asked me where Dr. Harrington usually finds it and I moved her hand to the appropriate spot and still no sound. She told me not to panic but of course I was about to loose it. They brought an ultrasound in and ran it across my stomach and before she could even say a word, I began wailing with tears. I knew what I saw or more like what I couldn't see which was her heartbeat. I will never forget the doctors face.

Once I was able to compose myself and stop crying I asked what was next and they informed me that I would have to be induced and proceed with labor, and that a C-section was not an option. I was not only angry from finding out that I lost Madi, but angry that I had to go through the pain of labor and delivery for nothing, all I had waited for was gone. Later in the evening, Dr. Harrington showed up and gave us the option of going home and coming back in the morning to get started, so thats what we did. I believe that we arrived around 8:30 am and Madi was delivered at 6:44pm on March 2. I pushed for 15 minutes and she was out. I have to say that the labor, epideral and delivery was a walk in the park. She was breech so they thought we'd have a more difficult time when it came to pushing, but I didn't. I was a champ. It was most likely easier because she was 3lbs 9.9 oz. and the physical pain was masked by the emotional pain. Just looking at her they couldn't tell what was wrong or why it had happened. She was perfect. They said it may have been an infection, but even though tests were going to be done, there wasn't a guarentee that we'd find out. If there is any reason, we will be informed at my 6 week check-up. However, the questions I have will not be answered by doctors and by the time its time for me to ask, I won't even care because I will be happily joined with Madi and eternity will be much longer than the lifetime I spend without her.

So about my daughter. The only thing that comes to mind is perfection. She was so beautiful...she had the cutest nose, softest feet, blonde hair and I know she had blue eyes. She's the perfect combination of Luke and I. At first I'd have said looked like me, but the more I look at her, the more I see Luke. For a while, I couldn't look at her, I was too scared. Too scared to look and only see that she wasn't alive or look and fall in love with something that I no longer had. I was warned that she would be dark and her skin would be peeling off, and thats how she was. I had expected this overwhelming rush of love and motherly thing to just hit me, but it didn't and I felt guilty about that. I realize now that it did, I just didn't recognize it in the midst of the tears and pain. To hold her and walk around the room with her made it feel real, like I really was a mother and she really was my daughter. Still looking at the pictures, its all a blur and doesn't seem like it happened, but then I look at her face and I feel that love and my heart breaks and thats when I know its real.

People have commented on our strength to get through this, and to be honest, I feel like I'm doing well at moments and completely weak in others. I was reminded by a very wise lady (Tanya) that even when I feel weak, I am strong because of God. I have no doubt that Gods plan is bigger than what has happened or is going to happen in our lives and the lives of others. I can see him blessing others and blessing us (our marriage) in the middle of our sadness. I was telling someone about a month ago that I only want the best for Madi, I don't want her to be effected or ever have to go through the pain and struggle that I did as I grew up. I wanted more for her, and even though I am hurting and so are others, if you really think about what is best for someone, its heaven. She will only know love, peace, joy, happiness, kindness, goodness, greatness and so much more. She'll never have to hurt physically or emotionally. I think, even though it hurts and it will hurt, she is so lucky to have bypassed the crud of life and gets to experience a heavenly life. And though its hard not to think that I did something wrong, I do know that I prepared her for heaven through the walk with God that I had. I showed her what its like to worship and I know she's up there doing just that. Its when I think of whats best for her, and that God holds her, that I am relieved of the hurt I feel and I find my strength.

>

8 months and anxious

2009-01-31T09:47:00.000-08:00

2 months to go, and am I ready? Well, I'm not ready as far as how to take care of a baby (not really a feeding, diapers, bathtime know-it-all), I am struggling with the concept of not knowing what contractions or labor/delivery will be like, I haven't taken any prenatal classes (I've been busy) and the baby room is not functional. However, I am ready to no longer be pregnant (I hurt my hip and the pressure on it is causing me to have trouble walking), and I am ready to hold her and see who and what she looks like. I have been having these dreams that I've had the baby and 3 days go by until I realize it needs to be fed, and have a diaper changed. Oh and most of the time, the baby is a boy. In fact, I had a dream that I gave birth to a 4 month old boy with a reddish brown mullet. Talk about strange. It must have been the cherry Cheesecake and sparkling cider I had before bed (Luke and I just celebrated 3 years together, hence the reason for the fancy desert and drink). I would have never imagined that time would fly by so fast, and that so much would happen in that time span. I continue to keep busy with student teaching, working at Wells Fargo Financial, and leading worship at Define. I just passed the halfway point in student teaching, 7 weeks to go and I'll be a certified teacher. Aside from my excitement of Madilyn's arrival, its such a wonderful feeling of accomplishment to know I'm almost there. My student teaching experience is going great, I love my students and I know when I have to say goodbye in March, that I will have such a hard time. My busy life has been made easier by Luke keeping up on the housework, he's been so awesome but I'm sure he has enjoyed having free afternoons to play some X-box! I figure he needs this time before Madilyn gets here. As you can tell, I have a lot going on, but I have so much to look foward to: preparing a baby room, some baby showers, spending time with my family (whenever they can make it over), finishing student teaching, finishing my pregnancy, becoming a mom and taking some maternity leave! I have had some people ask me about where we are registered and our colors, so fyi on that: Target and Babies-R-Us (both have online registries) and our colors are pink and brown.

Second Trimester Timeline

2009-01-07T17:43:00.000-08:00

18 weeks, 21 weeks, 23 weeks, 26 weeks, and 27 weeks

All about God's time in 2009

2009-01-03T18:01:00.000-08:00

Isn't that the truth! God's timing is always so perfect and sometimes I find it really hard to put aside my feelings/worries and completely trust that God will take care of us. Since my last blog, Luke and I are already seeing several blessings, and I'll admit that I had very little faith 5 days ago. I can totally picture God smiling and thinking "Ashley, I knew you would be taken care of, why didn't you?" He always provides for us, and I tend to always gravitate toward the 'woe is me-self pity party' and not that I am good with resolutions, but I'm definately going to work harder on trusting God with everything this year. So, your probably wondering what happened....well after writing the blog, Luke and I discussed looking at purchasing a new car. We knew it was something that needed to be done, especially with the baby coming, but our biggest concern was how will we afford it. Our hopeful, fingers-crossed, game plan became: refinance the truck for a lower payment, find someone to either buy or take my car as a trade-in for what I owed, and get me a reliable vehicle (SUV) that was AWD (to deal with the snowy hill to Tieton and Snoqualmie pass), spacious for our growing family and affordable. On New Years Day we went looking at vehicles. It was so great because most dealerships were closed and we weren't being badgered to buy, but free to browse. We decided to stop at Trucks Plus USA, and thankfully we found the perfect fit for us. I wanted to stick with Honda or Toyota but their SUV's weren't within our price range, however the 2006 Mitsubishi Endeavor met all the specific details/price that we were looking for. Oh, I forgot to mention that randomly my car started the next day (blessing to our savings account)...anyway, trying to keep this short but with the sweet details, we ended up purchasing the Endeavor. The awesome/total God part was that we were paying $550 for the truck and my Honda, and now we are paying $400 for the truck and my new Endeavor. The dealership took my car for $3300 which was more than I expected, it paid off my loan and rolled over some money for a down payment. Who knew that God would put us in such a better situation financially and reliably (as far as the car goes). If that wasn't dandy enough, we were expecting a payment of $275 for the new car because we added the extended warrenty, but when we went in to sign papers with the credit union, they let us know that we qualified for a better rate than she had originally quoted and it dropped our payment to $250, which is exactly what we wanted. All in all, God is so so good! His hand was totally over this situation. Honestly, every number that came out of our mouths (as far as what we hoped we would pay for: price for the car, warrenty, trade-in, payment) was matched to almost the exact dollar amount. That's God for ya! Since I'm 28 weeks today, I thought it was only fitting to post my pregnancy picture (since my awesome husband has been taking them weekly for me) with the new car.

2008-12-30T12:32:00.000-08:00

After a wonderful week in Anacortes, we were looking forward to coming home, however Yakima just brought some financial problems for us. We recieved yet another power bill, for an outragious amount of $275. The frustrating part is the only heat we have on is in our bedroom and the living room and they are set at 60 degrees. We've been freezing our tails off, and its been unsuccessful in lowering the bill. After shedding some tears over that, I woke up this morning to find out that my car won't start. I'm hoping that things will start looking up for us as we move into the new year. Some good news is, we've decided to name the baby Madilyn Joy Jaeger. While in Anacortes, my mom and I painted letters (spelling out Madilyn Joy) for her bedroom, and they turned out really cute. We are going with a pink and brown theme. I don't have a whole lot in the nursery yet, but once I've got the letters up on the wall I will make sure to post a picture. I've also posted my 27th week pregnancy picture for all to see.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2008-12-17T19:05:00.000-08:00

Moving into the 26th week of pregnancy and I am already wishing it were March 31st. Time seems to be flying fast, yet the due date seems so far away. I have to say, it’s so nice to have someone like Jamie (my greatest friend who recently had a baby) to fill me in on what to expect and things that are normal that seem not-so-normal. Since my last post, I’ve started and completed 3 out of 14 weeks of my student teaching. I’m working with 4th graders at Tieton Intermediate and I love it, though the drive is a bit scary in the mornings: having snowy, frozen-over roads, and freezing temperatures in the teen degrees. My students are so fun, such a great age and they are a constant reminder that I have the ability to teach and teach well. Once the break is over, I will begin taking on a subject a week until the end of January, where I take over the class entirely for 4 weeks. Until that time, I’m just enjoying all the learning experiences and looking forward to the upcoming holidays/break. Luke and I are heading to Anacortes to spend time with my family which will be enjoyable. The grandparents-to-be are enjoying the baby bump that continues to get larger everyday, and have already bought tons of girly-pink things for the baby. We’ve yet to decide on a name, but we are seriously considering Madilyn Joy. My Mom likes to refer to her as Maddie-Joy, and it definitely has a nice ring to it and will most likely stick, but I definatly want to wait until I see her. Luke is still trying to push the spelling with ‘t’ so the nickname would be Mattie (after his several friends named Matthew), but I am not budging (he can wait for us to have a boy). Until next time...as the holiday comes and goes, we are both wishing you the Merriest Christmas and Happiest New Year.

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T09:38:00.000-08:00

The Jaeger's are wishing you and your families had a wonferful Thanksgiving. We spent time with Luke's parents, traveling to Anacortes, registering for baby stuff at Target, taking some pictures and getting together with friends. We have so much to be thankful for this year, obviously the biggest blessing is knowing that we will be having a baby, but its the little things and the wonderful people that have brought us to this time and place that are really deserving of thankfulness. Above all we are thankful for a God who provides in every situation in our lives! Many times throughout the year Luke and I have been concerned with our bills, how we are going to financially make it through my student teaching, and how we are going to use the little that we have to try and save before we have the baby. Definately something that most would be concerned with, but God is far bigger than our bills, the lack of income and our worries. I can honestly say (having experienced many times a Gods who gives) in every tight situation, we've always seen Gods hand over the situation and that the financial problems have been taken care of. I know that this is because of our faithfulness and obedience in giving back what God has already given to us. Right now our church is in the process of trying to raise money to build our own facility. Many of you know that Luke and I are extremely involved in our church and in the midst of our financial squeeze, we are also giving to this campaign. Some would say thats crazy, save your money but again my God is a God who provides, ALWAYS!

If you have 3 minutes, could you watch this video(http://www.westvalleyfoursquare.org/building.html) and then send it to your email contact list, I would be eternally thankful. God is good and his blessings are abundant, even when you think things are tight (trust me I know, I just recieved a unexpectedly-huge power bill), its amazing how he always gives and blesses us back!

P.S. If link doesn’t work, just copy link into your address bar.

No longer an 'it'

2008-11-17T21:48:00.000-08:00

The wait is finally over and I'll be the first to admit, I was completely wrong...we are having a baby girl, not boy. I'm so excited because I am getting exactly what I wanted which is a healthy baby, that happens to be a girl, which will be the best of Luke and I. She had the strongest heartbeat today of 168 and her measurements looked great. She was so adorable during the ultrasound, she had her legs crossed like a little lady for the longest time and finally decided to give us a peek at what she was...I'm thinking she was embarressed and a little shy with Grandma, Grandpa, Great Grandma and Auntie Shelby in the room with Mommy and Daddy. I was so shocked when the ultrasound tech said "well there's three lines" and I immediately in a confused tone replied "its a girl?" like "are you sure?" because again I was 110% sure we were having a boy. Aside from being thrilled, I'm shocked and still can't believe it. We have decided to start looking and considering different names, I liked Blakely but I think she needs a different name and knowing me, I will probably have to wait to see her beautiful face inorder to give her a suiting and perfect name. I can't wait to meet her and show her off to all my friends and family!

False alarms

2008-11-10T11:41:00.000-08:00

The baby definitely keeps me on my toes in wonder of what is going on in my body, but I can’t blame the baby on this one. On Thursday at around midnight I was abruptly awaken by an intense pain, after hardly sleeping after two hours I decided to wake up Luke (who is the greatest husband, he definitley takes care of me when I’m sick). We tried to go back to sleep after I threw up (I thought I had food poisoning) and still was restless and in pain. I tend to be kind of a sissy when it comes to pain and I’ve self-diagnosed myself as a hypochondriac, so I let it continue until 3:30pm on Friday when I decided that over 12 hours of the same pain was ridiculous and I wasn’t going to wait any longer for the doctor to call. I started to think that I was going into early labor which panicked me the most. I guess there are some perks to being pregnant because when I got to the ER to get checked out, they paid attention to me quicker than I expected. I had an IV and some pain killers in me within 30 minutes of arriving; they had already taken a urine and blood sample and checked the baby to make sure he/she was doing okay. As a mother-in-the-making, I knew that the baby was at least alive because it was kicking me and moving more than it had before. Around this time Luke’s parents showed up (at that point I had been alone because Luke was in Spokane for football, he was frantically trying to get a ride home to Yakima, and spent the majority of the first quarter coaching on the sideline with his cell phone glued to his ears getting updates on me) and they were preparing to move me upstairs. The ER nurse had said earlier that if I were to go upstairs it would be a better indicator that it was more serious. I about lost it once they started rolling me upstairs, I started shaking and crying harder and once I saw that room 401 was a Labor Evaluation room, I thought for sure I was going to have this baby. The nurse was telling me to breathe and all I could think is “lady, I don’t know the correct way to breathe, I haven’t taken the class because I wasn’t expecting to give birth this early” and then my thoughts jumped to how Brianne (a friend from school) has been telling me to set up the birthing classes with her and I hadn’t yet…but now I will. Another nurse came in to check my cervix and said that I wasn't dilated and that I wasn’t going into labor. FEWY!!! Then the kidney stone option seemed more likely, and it was a kidney stone which was very painful and most likely-thanks to me for not drinking enough water. I still haven’t seen that I’ve passed it, so it makes me think that I passed it sometime at the hospital before they have me the strainer. The doctor said that the pain I felt is pretty close to labor pains, so as much as it sucked to go through, I got a good idea of what to expect or do differently when the baby comes, like: what it feels like for an IV to be in my arm (and next time to tell them to do it on the left arm), that I need something more attractive to wear than the hospital gown, people are going to freely be poking and touching me in private places and that I need to remain calm in the midst of it all and breathe (yeah right). Although I would have like to bypass this experience, it was nice having my mom in town and thankfully she and Scott helped put together the house. It’s defiantly livable but not complete. So there’s an update on us, we are a week away (and so anxious) until we find out what we are having. I was surprised to see that the votes for girl or boy were so close, but we’ll have the answer in 7 days. I’d also like to say thank you to all the people who were praying and checking in on me! I love you all

Hormonal rollercoaster ride

2008-10-29T14:30:00.000-07:00

Heightened emotions? Yes.

Unexpected tears? Yes.

Mood swings, both good and bad? Yes, Yes.

I feel silly in these moments, but I just tell myself (and out loud) "your just being pregnant, its normal" even if I feel anything but normal. Luke and I went to see Fireproof last Saturday and I bawled the entire movie, from opening to final scene. Little things...like the fact that the mother had a stroke and couldn't communicate with her daughter, bless her heart she brought me to tears and she didn't say or do anything. Ahh, but what a fantastic movie, you should see it! Then this morning I turn my car on to hear an advertisement about an Amy Grant concert, which I have heard several times over the last month, and I could not hold back. The songs that followed the radio commercial also caused sniffles and the use of a nearby McDonalds napkin. Also at lunch there was a group of students on what looked to be a class outing, they were posing for a picture and I started tearing up because that's going to be me someday with my students. I know that I will experience even more moments like these, but I have to say I feel like I have constant PMS. Even though I am a basket case at times, I just try to keep going and going and going (like the energizer bunny, but without the energy). As the seasons are moving from fall to winter, they are definately taking effect on me. Hibernation sounds great, and if it were possible, it would be the perfect way to live out the last 4 1/2 months of my pregnancy. I can happily say that I get pretty decent sleep each night, but I tend to want more than the 10 hours I've been giving myself. I'm probably over sleeping, but I don't feel the need to change my sleeping habits just yet. I will leave that to the baby when he/she arrives. However, I am beginning to feel more of what I believe are kicks and I'm definately starting to look more pregnant. I have to laugh at myself because I wake up and look at my tummy thinking I hardly look pregnant and then an hour later its obvious that I am. I have to be honest and say I'm struggling with the idea of getting bigger and showing, but its inevitable. As a part of this post I have included a couple pictures from our ultrasound at 13 weeks. I've been told that the baby has my turned up nose and Luke says the baby has his belly :)