Our daughters were born and joined the Lord on October 31 at 8:13 and 8:14. Kynlie Hope weighed 7.1 oz and was 9" (stillborn), Rylie Grace was 4.3 oz and was 6.5" (lived for about an hour).
On Friday we had received the news that things weren't going so great with our pregnancy (read the blog before for more information). I had began bleeding again on Thursday night but the bleeding had decreased over Friday night and into Saturday morning. Come Saturday afternoon, the bleeding once again increased. All day we were speaking life over the twins, believing that they were going to be miracle babies and pull through. I fell asleep for about 30 minutes and awoke to light, painless contractions. We decided to go to the hospital and make sure I wasn't going into labor. Once in the car, I began experiencing pain in my lower back which signalled to me potential labor.
We had decided that if I went into labor naturally, that was God's way of making the call on the pregnancy. We obviously didn't want to end the pregnancy ourselves or to have it end naturally on its own, but we knew that it was all in Gods hands. We also knew that if the girls hearts were beating, but I was in labor, that there was nothing we could do and we would just have to cherish the moments we had with them.
We arrived to the hospital and were immediately admitted. I think I overwhelmed the nurses with all the information I had been given the previous day by the specialist. I wanted to make sure things were done the way I wanted them done or according to what the specialist told me. The nurse tried for 1 1/2 hours to track down my doctor and figure out what to do with me, while I continued to pester her for pain medication. Finally she came back with news that I needed to have an ultrasound and asked if I could wait on the medication. Out of frustration I said I would wait but that I wanted it waiting for me when I returned. By this point I was in so much pain, to move was crippling. On top of the contractions, it felt as if something had burst on my right side. To sit in the wheelchair (that didn't have foot rest, which forced me to use my stomach to hold up my legs) was awful. It proceeded to become worse as the elevator we were on stopped working and we were stuck for 10 minutes. I immediately regretted the decision I made about waiting for the meds.
Once at the ultrasound room, I could barely get out of the wheelchair onto the bed. The technician took a verbal lash from me when she continued to do an ultrasound after I asked her to stop because she was hurting me. The ultrasound determined that Baby B still had a heartbeat and Baby A wasn't really able to be found and though she thought she saw the baby, she believed that its heart wasn't beating.
Since the pain I was in was so excruciating, I demanded that they take me by bed back to the 4th floor which they honored and sure enough, thanks to Paula, the medication was waiting for me. She wasn't lying when she said it would only take the edge off and not completely remove the pain. Minutes later we were greeted by the on-call doctor and I did my best to explain my discussion with the specialist from Friday. Luckily she was smart enough to call the specialist and find out the specifics. The on-call doctor then said she felt I should induce labor and delivery the twins since Baby A didn't have a heartbeat. I said "fine" though I was almost certain that I was in the middle of labor. I continued to ask for an epidural and was refused because I wasn't 'in-labor' yet.
I layed there for what seemed like forever (maybe 1 1/2 hours) as my nurses and the doctor argued the appropriate way to proceed and what to give me as far as medication/pain killers. Once the pain became unbearable I turned into a real monster and demanded pain killers and just about the time I was going to get up and scream at them for the epidural (for what seemed like the 100th time), I felt a pop. I asked my mom to check and she did. She told Luke to go get the nurse because we have problem (with bleeding). As she layed down the blanket to wait for the nurse, I felt this wave-like thing happen and I told my mom "I think I just had a baby" and sure enough, little Kynlie was laying on the bed, and Rylie was on her way out. Even though they were so small, to do the whole thing naturally and without any pain medication except the one that took the edge off, was still outrageously painful. Again, Rylie had a heartbeat (which was identified by Luke, and the doctor told him he was wrong. About 25 minutes later, the nurse noticed as well). We both got to hold her as her time passed. Kynlie looked a lot like Madilyn, but Rylie hadn't quiet developed enough to look like her sisters. We weren't 100% sure what we were having until we delivered, but they were both beautiful and all we could have wanted!
After delivering the twins, I found out that my doctor for the evening was m.i.a. I was having trouble getting the placenta to pass, and they were concerned about what might happened the longer they left it in. We waited about a 1/2 hour for her to return. Once she appeared, she (without warning) strapped on her gloves and began a manual extraction. I have never been in more pain, screamed so loud, been so violated and abused in my entire life. I honestly felt like she was killing and sexually abusing me. After many times of extracting, being elbow deep in me (a person who didn't have drugs and probably didn't dilate past 3 cm), she decided to finally take me into surgery. The issue with this is, there wasn't an emergency and therefore it wasn't completely necessary for her to be man-handling me like this and she mentioned that "she didn't want to go into surgery if she didn't have to." She could have done the same thing, only I would have been knocked out and not felt it all. My surgery/continued extraction lasted about an hour, and Luke mentioned that at one point I was screaming again, so it must have still be awful (I don't remember this).
I awoke to my wonderful, prince charming of a husband who was by my side the entire time that he could be. He admitted that he was close to "taking the doctor out" after I continued to scream stop and she kept going. He did his best to keep me smiling, laughing and light-hearted as we went to the recovery room and were reunited with the twins (by the way, Luke has been my strong knight-in-shining armor through this whole thing, I can't believe this courage and ability to not fall apart, he truly is fantastic and hand picked by God just for me). Our friends, Justin and Emmily brought us late night Burger King and stayed to chat for a couple of hours. I couldn't sleep at all that night, so I pretty much talked to God, looked at/held the girls, chatted with the nurse and facebooked. Even though the experience was awful, I had the most tremendous nurses. I am so thankful that they were there to be my advocate when the doctor wasn't. The next morning we were comforted by my parents and enjoyed watching church from the hospital. After church, Pastor(s) Tom/Tanya/Justin came and we dedicated the twins, like we had with Madi.
Three babies lost in almost exactly 8 months. To call it what it is, IT SUCKS. At first I felt like this was all easier, and my initial response was that of thankfulness. As the days go by, just like they did with Madi, the emotions are setting in and again, I feel all that I experienced 8 months ago. I'm a little more angry this time, but I know God is God and I look forward to the day that I can look back and have an understanding of why he used me in this way again. I know its all for his glory, but to see his glory revealed will make it more understandable. The physical recovery has been much harder as well. I came home very tender and even a week later, I continue to be in pain. Luke and I have talked minimally about whats next (as far as children). A few months ago we briefly talked about adopting if we lost the twins. That might be our next step, or we might try again. We need to wait about a year, and in that time we are really going to focus on finding some answers or at least a doctor who can help get us to a successful pregnancy. The wait and not knowing the outcomes are the hardest part. Right now I have a lot of fear, but maybe I will be healed from that fear by the time we try again. Until that time we are going to continue serving God, hopefully take a trip to end 2009 on a good note, and possibly buy a house.
To those who have been praying for us, we really (more than words can say) appreciate that prayer. I hope God blesses you for blessing us!
