When it comes to different types of plots, I enjoy ones that keep me guessing and at the end I see all the connections that the writer had been making throughout the whole story but I never saw along the way. That's exactly what God did in this story, in my life. In the moments of waiting for the climatic, connect-the-dots part of this story, I wouldn't say it was always the most enjoyable to live out, but one that was absolutely worth watching. What I mean by watching is, watching what God was doing, did do and continues to do. There are a lot of small faith building details to this story as well, but I'll be mostly sharing the BIG details.
This is the story of God's amazing faithfulness in the lives of my husband and I.
We were married in July of 2008, and immediately, as in the wedding night, became expecting parents. Our daughter Madilyn was to be born March of 2009. Madilyn arrived March 2 but sadly she was stillborn at 36 weeks.
In the midst of sorrow, anger and inability to understand why, I knew that God was faithful and I clung to Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
After losing Madi, I told Luke that if we lost another pregnancy, I thought we should adopt. At the time, I didn’t know why I said that because adopting was never a part of my plan and it wasn’t the desire of my heart.
Three months after losing Madi, we became pregnant with twins. I felt as if God was doubling our blessing because of our loss. In March of 2010, our children were expected to be born. In October of 2009, we delivered two stillborn daughters. Within 8 months we had lost three children. Again, I didn’t understand what God was doing. I continued to have faith that God would work it out for good, but at the time, I couldn’t see how any of his plans were for my good.
About a month later, after being encouraged by the testimony of a woman at church, I had an encounter with God like I’d never had before. A conversation took place between God and I. A conversation where I was honest with the Lord. I told him I was angry at him and I didn’t understand. I also asked questions that I wanted answered. Something I specifically asked God was “What do you have for me when it comes to children?” He gave me a picture of two boys and a girl. I felt like the boys didn’t come from me but that the girl did. God said the boys would be for the healing he wanted to do in Luke. I felt this meant the boys would be adopted and the girl would be biological. Still my heart’s desire was not for adopting; but for some reason I felt like someone was going to hand me a baby on my doorstep. Impossible in my mind, but totally possible for God.
We took a break for about a year from the idea of children; regardless of how God would bring them to us. During this year, I began to dislike the plan that God had revealed to me. It didn’t line up with my plans, and although I had faith that his plans were for my best, they were beyond my understanding. I struggled to trust what God had shared with me, but in my heart I knew it to be true. I was always seeking God for greater revelation of the things to come. For more information, more specific details and along the way, he would continue to add pieces of what he was doing and was going to do.
In January 2011, our church began going through “The Hole in our Gospel.” As we began this book, I didn’t expect God to blow me away the way he did. The book begins with a question. Are you willing to be open to God’s will for your life? My immediate answer would be yes, but was quickly the thought followed “What about with the girls?” If God had asked me that question, and then revealed what His “will” was, would I still be open to it? Would I have willingly said “yes Lord, I’m willing for my girls to die.” Probably not. But at the same time I had faith that there was a reason why they died, I could see some of the good that God was doing because of it, and I had faith that their death was a part of his perfect will for my life. My heart also began to soften towards orphans and the role I might be able to play as a potential adoptive parent. Two months later, we decided that we would begin the process of adopting from Ethiopia.
It felt amazing to step onto the road God had for us but right away we were asked not to move forward until we had half of the finances set aside for the international adoption. I immediately became discouraged and wanted to abandon this plan. It was becoming hard and I couldn’t see how God was going to work it all together. All I wanted was to be a mom, but I felt like every time I tried, it was taken from me. Within a year, God completely and unexplainably provided the amount our agency wanted us to have. We reapplied to the agency in March 2012, and in August we were finally on the waitlist to be parents. As exciting as that was, it was still waiting to be a mom and it was anticipated that I would wait another 2 years. I had already been waiting for the fulfillment of God’s plans for over 3 ½ years. God reminded me of Proverbs 3:5-6 says Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which paths to take. (NLT)
During that time, many friends and family were having children. It was hard to genuinely rejoice with them knowing my heart was aching and longing for they very gift they were receiving. One day, out of anger, I said to “God, I feel like you’re always pushing me back. Like I’m being looked over. I faithfully serve and give. I’ve waited more than 3 years and now you want me to wait another 2! You don’t even know how I feel!”
It’s emotionally, spiritually and mentally healthy to be honest with God. The truth is, he knows regardless of whether you are or not, so why not just say it, get it out, so you can move forward. You’ll feel better! But when you’re honest with God, he’ll be honest with you. In my honest moment with God, he responds with a quiet, calm “I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I wait my children’s’ whole lives to become their father.” I was looking at waiting 5 years, but sometimes God waits 80 years for his children. He definitely knows how I feel. Isn’t it amazing that for every heart’s cry, God has an answer and he knows exactly how we feel because he felt the same with his Son Jesus and feels that with us, his children.
As the time came closer for the twins’ 3rd birthday (November 2012), I began to feel very expectant. Like God had something coming, when it came to children, but I couldn’t see how, from where or when. Our agency’s wait time continued to increase, and the rule was you can’t get pregnant. For a child to enter our lives seemed impossible, but at the same time, totally possible because as Jesus says in Matthew 19:26 “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” I was with God and believed he could make me a mom (snap) like that. Around this time, Luke decided he was going to go to Uganda with Pastor Tom.
The thought crossed my mind, “maybe it will happen while Luke’s in Uganda.” As January approached, I felt the expectancy inside me increase and I began to pray that while Luke was in Africa, God would bring us a baby. I knew it could happen and because it was laid on my heart that it would happen. I found myself becoming so focused on trying to figure out God’s plan. I felt the direction of my life was like a spinning compass. God pointed me back to Proverbs 3:5-6 and said to me that the compass of my heart needed to be pointed at him. My job was to be remain focused on Jesus and not worry about the rest. All things would come together as I focused on him.
God didn’t bring us a baby while Luke was in Africa, but less than 12 hours after Luke left, someone contacted me asking me what I could do about privately adopting a baby. I was stunned in the immediacy of God. Now this conversation ended up being about a hypothetical baby, but I was amazed at the work of God. I began to believe that God wanted to give me the desires of my heart, but not just that, he put those desires there. That stirring of expectancy in my spirit was a desire that God had placed in my heart.
A couple weeks later, I met a special little boy who was the foster child of a woman here at church. The first time I held him during worship, God whispered to me “This is how I want to be with you. Close. With you in my arms.” I was so blessed to hear God’s heart for me. A few minutes later during worship, I looked down at this little boy and an overwhelming, unexplainable sense of love for him came over me. God whispers to me again, this time saying “I have this for you and soon.” My mind begins racing with how, when and from where. I couldn’t see how God was going to make it happen, but I had faith that he could and he would.
Weeks after this I attended a conference with our youth group. Before going, I wrote and prayed over some requests that I was expecting God to do in my life. Psalm 5:3 says (NIV) In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. I was expecting to receive a prophetic word from the Lord. One of my requests to the Lord was: I want to see visions and receive specific details and time frames on what God has for me next in ministry, as a wife and as a mom. What I really meant was, I wanted someone to come tell me exactly when God was going to bring me a baby and make me a mom. During my time at the conference, I felt like Satan was trying to distract me by causing division in some relationships I had with people. I knew that because of his attacks, God must have something amazing in store for me and Satan wanted me to be distracted so that I would miss on what God had for me.
That night the Pastor Jabin Chavez spoke a message titled ‘Today Everything Changes’ and that God is in the business of one day changes. For instance, once day I was blind and now I can see/I was lame and now I can walk. He said “never underestimate what God can do in a day. He can do more in a day, than I can do in a lifetime and that God works in a capacity greater than I can imagine.” The passage he was specifically preaching on was that of the paralyzed man whose friends lowered him in through the roof so that his life could be radically changed by Jesus. At a certain point in the message, the preacher looked out at the crowd and as if he had a word for someone in the crowd he said “In 24 hours, your whole world can be forever changed.” As a Pentecostal church-goer, I shouted back at the preacher that I received that word for my life. Then quietly, between myself and God I said “I believe that you can make me a mom in 24 hours.” It seemed impossible based on my own understanding, but with God, I knew it was possible.
Almost 24 hours (give or take 5 minutes) after receiving that word from Pasto Jabin, believing that God could make me a mom in 24 hours, God revealed his perfect plan to Luke and I. We were contacted about a birth mom who was interested in doing a private adoption.
Completely impossible, had just been made possible by God. Again, I was stunned with the immediacy and love that God had for us. We didn’t know if the baby was a boy or girl, but I knew that he was boy because God had told me 3 years earlier. That night as we waited for the baby to born, Luke shared that he felt like he was hearing louder and louder the name Carson Matthew. I told Luke that if the baby was a boy, we would give him the name that God had given him. The next morning, God gave us the gift of Carson Matthew Jordan Jaeger.
(Luke) That morning after I had heard Carson Matthew Jaeger I looked up Carson in a baby name book we had. I also looked up Camden. Camden was the name that we wanted to name the baby, it meant confused. Carson meant confident. I shared this with Ashley and that’s when we knew it from God.
As men we don’t get the connection, the bond that mothers get with their children as they carry them for nine months and nurse them. Not having that connection made the loss of the girls easier for me, not easy, it sucked, but easier. I, as most men, am very task oriented and I was able to move on by focus other task in my life. Right before all this happened I had told Tom I would be interested in filling the Youth Pastor role. God decided to go with Pastor Matt, and I was honestly very angry. The last time I had been denied I was also very angry, but I ended up being very blessed through my experiences that happened as a result and grew. Proverbs 16:9 says, “The heart of man plans his ways, but the Lord establishes his steps.” I was angry and I was demanding to know from God what He had for me … He did not feel the same urgency I did. On the night that Ashley received the first phone call I was watching a movie, Finger of God. It shares all these miracles of God that are happening around the world, and I initially was telling Ashley how if I were not believer I would think this movie was an unbelievable joke. After listening to some established Pastors and remembering the verse Matthew 16:4, “Only a wicked, adulterous generation looks for sign, but none will be given it except the sign of Jonah.” I was convicted as I watched it and realized I wasn’t open to the miracles of God. I told God, “I’m open, I’m open to the miracles.”
Less than 72 hours later I was holding my son, as we prepared to take him home. God does provide miracles in this time, but we have to be willing to see and receive them.
As we went through process of adopting Carson it seemed right from the start that God was with us and it would be so easy. Really though, when does God every make it easy. It seemed like every day sometimes every hour obstacles would appear that threatened our ability to adopt Carson. Throughout the ordeal we prayed and we reached out for prayers. We received prayers from as far away as Africa as Osanidde leadership prayed, and we received prayers as close to home as all of you. Our family is forever grateful for your prayers and support through this process and really your support through all our ups and downs since you have been a part of our lives. God delivered on those prayers you prayed and knocked down obstacle after obstacle.
(Ashley) For me, I kept following the vision God gave me at the conference of me following Jesus. During worship that last night, while singing a song about following Jesus, I wanted a greater understanding of what that looked like for me, in my life. I got a picture that I was walking down a dirt road following Jesus. He was had his head completely turned toward me as he continued to move forward. He kept ushering me to “Come, come.” He was inviting me to walk with him. The vision had greater meaning as we walked through adopting Carson. Thinking back to the vision, Jesus wasn’t concerned about facing forward as he walked. He was concerned about me. I was on his mind. If I were walking but was looking behind me, I would run into things or I would fall. Jesus had no concerns for the things that were to come in our way. He was going to walk right through them, and I had no reason to fear because he was going before me.
Carson was born March 24, 2013 at 11:47am. He was 6lbs 13oz, 19 1/2 inches long. He was an absolutely beautiful gift from God. At the sight of Carson and watching how God had perfectly orchestrated His plan to bring Carson into our lives, the loss and waiting we had experienced suddenly made sense. The prophetic words I had received from The Lord over the years began to connect together. The sting of death no longer had a hold on my heart, because my heart was overwhelmed with the joy of the Lord and all His goodness and faithfulness to me, the daughter He loves.
We stepped into the role as legal guardians on March 25th at 4:30pm, approximately 24 hours after meeting him. At that time, we took on the official role as mom and dad and began to care for him as he spent a few days in the NICU to prevent infection. We were invited to come into the NICU and do his feedings every 3 hours. Even the late hours of the night, we were there caring for our son. Carson was able to come home on March 28, 2013. Twice I had left Memorial Hospital with empty arms, a heavy heart and my head hung low. This time it was victory for me. There were so many special first moments, but for me, leaving the hospital with a living child to love and a heart full of joy was incredibly special and unforgettable.
And on April 19, 2013 our adoption of Carson was finalized...
...and we became a family forever!
