On Sunday March 1 I woke up after a restless night of tossing and turning because I wasn't feeling well. The church was hosting a baby shower for me, so I was really excited and had something to look forward to. When I got to church, I noticed that I was having a hard time breathing (a constant feeling like the wind was knocked out of me) but I was deteremined to get through the day. After the baby shower, I met up with Luke and we went to Target. I had been really ancy during the weekend to get the baby room done and buy the rest of the items we'd need for Madilyn. I bargained with Luke that if we could just get through Target, we'd go to the ER and get checked out. That was of course after I stopped at Safeway to get the makings for our tepee project in class, after we brought all the stuff in from target and after I took a shower. In the midst of trying to think ahead, I wasn't expecting to have my world come to a complete stop. We waited in the hospital for what seemed like forever. I thought they'd move me in and out pretty quickly since I was 36 weeks pregnant, but unfortunately I had to wait my turn. I think somewhere in the mix they forgot I was pregnant (or couldn't tell just by looking) because they originally took me to be examined on the ER floor and when I mentioned (again) I was pregnant they immediately rushed me to the 4th floor (Labor and Delivery). The nurse came in with the doppler and for 5 minutes tried to find Madi's heartbeat. She asked me where Dr. Harrington usually finds it and I moved her hand to the appropriate spot and still no sound. She told me not to panic but of course I was about to loose it. They brought an ultrasound in and ran it across my stomach and before she could even say a word, I began wailing with tears. I knew what I saw or more like what I couldn't see which was her heartbeat. I will never forget the doctors face.
Once I was able to compose myself and stop crying I asked what was next and they informed me that I would have to be induced and proceed with labor, and that a C-section was not an option. I was not only angry from finding out that I lost Madi, but angry that I had to go through the pain of labor and delivery for nothing, all I had waited for was gone. Later in the evening, Dr. Harrington showed up and gave us the option of going home and coming back in the morning to get started, so thats what we did. I believe that we arrived around 8:30 am and Madi was delivered at 6:44pm on March 2. I pushed for 15 minutes and she was out. I have to say that the labor, epideral and delivery was a walk in the park. She was breech so they thought we'd have a more difficult time when it came to pushing, but I didn't. I was a champ. It was most likely easier because she was 3lbs 9.9 oz. and the physical pain was masked by the emotional pain. Just looking at her they couldn't tell what was wrong or why it had happened. She was perfect. They said it may have been an infection, but even though tests were going to be done, there wasn't a guarentee that we'd find out. If there is any reason, we will be informed at my 6 week check-up. However, the questions I have will not be answered by doctors and by the time its time for me to ask, I won't even care because I will be happily joined with Madi and eternity will be much longer than the lifetime I spend without her.
So about my daughter. The only thing that comes to mind is perfection. She was so beautiful...she had the cutest nose, softest feet, blonde hair and I know she had blue eyes. She's the perfect combination of Luke and I. At first I'd have said looked like me, but the more I look at her, the more I see Luke. For a while, I couldn't look at her, I was too scared. Too scared to look and only see that she wasn't alive or look and fall in love with something that I no longer had. I was warned that she would be dark and her skin would be peeling off, and thats how she was. I had expected this overwhelming rush of love and motherly thing to just hit me, but it didn't and I felt guilty about that. I realize now that it did, I just didn't recognize it in the midst of the tears and pain. To hold her and walk around the room with her made it feel real, like I really was a mother and she really was my daughter. Still looking at the pictures, its all a blur and doesn't seem like it happened, but then I look at her face and I feel that love and my heart breaks and thats when I know its real.
People have commented on our strength to get through this, and to be honest, I feel like I'm doing well at moments and completely weak in others. I was reminded by a very wise lady (Tanya) that even when I feel weak, I am strong because of God. I have no doubt that Gods plan is bigger than what has happened or is going to happen in our lives and the lives of others. I can see him blessing others and blessing us (our marriage) in the middle of our sadness. I was telling someone about a month ago that I only want the best for Madi, I don't want her to be effected or ever have to go through the pain and struggle that I did as I grew up. I wanted more for her, and even though I am hurting and so are others, if you really think about what is best for someone, its heaven. She will only know love, peace, joy, happiness, kindness, goodness, greatness and so much more. She'll never have to hurt physically or emotionally. I think, even though it hurts and it will hurt, she is so lucky to have bypassed the crud of life and gets to experience a heavenly life. And though its hard not to think that I did something wrong, I do know that I prepared her for heaven through the walk with God that I had. I showed her what its like to worship and I know she's up there doing just that. Its when I think of whats best for her, and that God holds her, that I am relieved of the hurt I feel and I find my strength.
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