Also at the retreat, I was able to share a quick testimony of what God did for me during the retreat but I think it begins with somebody else's testimony. During lunch, I saw this lady who had a baby and I overheard her say she was 3 months old. I'm not usually forward like this, but with everything that happened with Madi, I just had a need to know when her birthday was, so I asked. She was born on March 1, which happened to be the most heart-breaking day of my life. I told the lady that I had found out my daughters heart was no longer beating on that day, and I think I caught her off guard because she didn't really know what to say, BUT I filled the dead-air by telling her how blessed I am for being able to see a baby (pretty much) the same age as Madi would have been, to see her mannerisms and size, and just how precious and beautiful she was. Some more dead-air and awkwardness was present so I said my goodbye and walked away.
We rejoined for the next session which happened to be death, but the speaker said that she was encouraged by this lady's testimony and wanted her to share it. Grace, her husband and daughter (the lady from the paragraph before) were all of a sudden standing in the front. She shared that she had attended cleansing streams last May and at the time she was infertile. After a powerful and freeing weekend, she returned home and finally agreed to seek fertility treatment. A couple weeks later she had a dream where she was handed a baby and she questioned the person who handed her the baby on how it was possible, because she felt no pain and the voice said "the curse over your body has been lifted." She went about with her life and thought nothing of the dream but then after a while she felt God pressing her to remember the dream, and so for kicks she took a pregnancy test and it was positive. She called the doctor to change her fertility appointment to a prenatal appointment and at the appointment found out she was 7 weeks pregnant. Seeing God's hand over the entire situation, she decided to count back 7 weeks on the calendar and sure enough it was the weekend that she had attended Cleansing Streams. Her husband had been gone and when they reunited (after she came home from the retreat), they (unknowingly) made baby Gracella.
I am so encouraged by this story because I know that God can do the same for me and in my life. He knows the desires of my heart are to be a mother and I know in his perfect timing that I will be.
Now to the part that I shared with 200 or so people and I'm now sharing with you, because I write this in faith that God can do this...
When I first decided to begin the Cleansing Streams group and attend the retreat, I was attending so that I could be free of things that were from my past, but the week before I started the classes, I lost Madi. I was aware that God was in the process of refining me because he had been taking out the garbage over the last year. I just thought that God was just honoring my desires, since when I first became pregnant, all I could think about what how I wanted to wait and get the marriage going smoothly and to work through some of the crud in my life, and God was doing that the entire time of my pregnancy. As a church we were supposed to begin fasting 40 days and that would begin a couple days into March, and I was convinced that God was moving me from a season of refinement and restoration, into a season of motherhood. March 1 came and as I questioned "why" and I thought of my obedience in serving God and I became angry because I thought God had been taking me from one season of life to the next. Now God doesn't work in my way of thinking, and I don't fully understand why Madi isn't here now, but I can see the works he's done in my heart and my life because of this. I realize, especially now after attending Cleansing Streams, that God still had more garbage to take out. Again, I'm not perfect, but God is smoothing out the rough edges and restoring me to wholeness. I wanted to be a perfect mother to Madi, and I didn't want her to ever experience the stuff I had experienced, and God knew that, so he took her to a place of perfection. It wasn't until those areas were chipped away that I could be the mother I want to be, and the generational stuff would have been passed down to her and effected her life. God is so gracious to have spared her from my garbage. I told the people at Cleansing Streams, that I hope to be next years testimony and be holding a beautiful (hopefully 3 month old) baby. I believe the Lord will do this, that Luke and I will share a similiar story to Grace and her husband, but I will continue to seek and praise God even if it doesn't. I won't let discouragement or fear prevent me from living in God's will for me. Where there once was death in my life, now there is life and abudant life!
