Its been weeks since I last blogged, partially because I feel like I can't place words on how I feel (I can barely determine what I feel) and also because life has been pretty busy and I don't know where to begin.
Usually a good place to begin would be the beginning (duh), but my life feels so scattered and in constant change that to pinpoint a specific area of life to elaborate on is a bit of a challenge, and now that I've let so much time pass, so much has happened.
Some questions I commonly get are: "How are you doing?" and "Did the Doctors ever find out anything?" so I'll start there...
I'd like to say that I'm doing great, but I've taken some detours since March 2 and the days, weeks and now months following. Days come that are good, and even reach great and then there are lower days that remind me of what is missing and why I feel so down.To place a focus on the positive, here are some things that have happened since my last post:
Usually a good place to begin would be the beginning (duh), but my life feels so scattered and in constant change that to pinpoint a specific area of life to elaborate on is a bit of a challenge, and now that I've let so much time pass, so much has happened.
Some questions I commonly get are: "How are you doing?" and "Did the Doctors ever find out anything?" so I'll start there...
I'd like to say that I'm doing great, but I've taken some detours since March 2 and the days, weeks and now months following. Days come that are good, and even reach great and then there are lower days that remind me of what is missing and why I feel so down.To place a focus on the positive, here are some things that have happened since my last post:
*I've been subbing during the days and working at Wells Fargo Financial at night
*had a girls weekend with my best friend Jamie and our friend Jessica
*graduated with a Masters in Teaching
*celebrated Mothers Day with some wonderful Mothers (Mom, Grandma, Pat, Tanya and many more ladies from church)
*Luke and I went to Cheney for a weekend. He played in an Alumni vs. current Rugby game, and I got to spend time with Jamie and Parker.
*Have an interview with Riverside Christian on June 4th for a teaching position (Praise God for a potential opprotunity, be praying too)
We also met with the genetics counselor again for some testing to see if there are any answers as to what happened (the blood clotting the fetal vessels of the placenta) and to potentially prevent this from happening again. Our Doctor's plan was to refer us to a paranatologist, but before we could meet with them we had to complete some testing with the genetics counselor. They tested for thrombolysis (blood clotting), thyriod and lupus. All my tests came back normal except for the test for lupus, however the results weren't strong enough to suggest that I have lupus so they are re-testing me in 6 weeks. The genetic counselor said that because the tests were normal, there is nothing else they can do to find answers but that we can still discuss a plan for next time.
...and about next time, as in pregnancy, we are still not pregnant but we are trying (but not as hard as we could be). Its been very discouraging to have not conceived yet, especially since it was so easy the first time, however I have had some spotting twice this month and I'm hoping that's moving me toward a "you-know-what" (I can't believe I'm saying this, but..I've never been so excited for a menstral cycle to come).
I've been thinking about having my blogs pertain to my feelings and what God is showing me as I go through this, but I felt like that would be selfish, and I realize that that is from the enemy, who wouldn't want me to stay silent and not speak out of my heart and be an encouragement to others. I won't send out emails all the time after I've updated my blog, but feel free to check back and see what God's doing. So here it goes...
At the beginning of grieving Madi's passing, it was hard for me to find encouragement by reading what other's had experienced, I think its because the wound was so fresh but now its encouraging to know strong woman of faith are feeling similiar feelings. I felt like my response at first was so strong, and when I started feeling sadness, I looked at it as weakness. One woman's story that has encouraged me is Jill McCoghry from Hillsong in Australia. When I read her blogs and the fact that she is feeling what I feel even a year later, and I see strength in Christ, not weakness...I realize I am human and its okay to feel the way I do, and its okay to be angry at my circumstances because God can handle my anger, he's a big God and a God of love who will continue to pour out his love as I heal.
*had a girls weekend with my best friend Jamie and our friend Jessica
*graduated with a Masters in Teaching
*celebrated Mothers Day with some wonderful Mothers (Mom, Grandma, Pat, Tanya and many more ladies from church)
*Luke and I went to Cheney for a weekend. He played in an Alumni vs. current Rugby game, and I got to spend time with Jamie and Parker.
*Have an interview with Riverside Christian on June 4th for a teaching position (Praise God for a potential opprotunity, be praying too)
We also met with the genetics counselor again for some testing to see if there are any answers as to what happened (the blood clotting the fetal vessels of the placenta) and to potentially prevent this from happening again. Our Doctor's plan was to refer us to a paranatologist, but before we could meet with them we had to complete some testing with the genetics counselor. They tested for thrombolysis (blood clotting), thyriod and lupus. All my tests came back normal except for the test for lupus, however the results weren't strong enough to suggest that I have lupus so they are re-testing me in 6 weeks. The genetic counselor said that because the tests were normal, there is nothing else they can do to find answers but that we can still discuss a plan for next time.
...and about next time, as in pregnancy, we are still not pregnant but we are trying (but not as hard as we could be). Its been very discouraging to have not conceived yet, especially since it was so easy the first time, however I have had some spotting twice this month and I'm hoping that's moving me toward a "you-know-what" (I can't believe I'm saying this, but..I've never been so excited for a menstral cycle to come).
I've been thinking about having my blogs pertain to my feelings and what God is showing me as I go through this, but I felt like that would be selfish, and I realize that that is from the enemy, who wouldn't want me to stay silent and not speak out of my heart and be an encouragement to others. I won't send out emails all the time after I've updated my blog, but feel free to check back and see what God's doing. So here it goes...
At the beginning of grieving Madi's passing, it was hard for me to find encouragement by reading what other's had experienced, I think its because the wound was so fresh but now its encouraging to know strong woman of faith are feeling similiar feelings. I felt like my response at first was so strong, and when I started feeling sadness, I looked at it as weakness. One woman's story that has encouraged me is Jill McCoghry from Hillsong in Australia. When I read her blogs and the fact that she is feeling what I feel even a year later, and I see strength in Christ, not weakness...I realize I am human and its okay to feel the way I do, and its okay to be angry at my circumstances because God can handle my anger, he's a big God and a God of love who will continue to pour out his love as I heal.
