I've been kind of feeling in a funk the last couple days, and things have been a little tense around our house because our water pipe broke. The weather has been dreary and not June-like and so that hasn't helped out much either.
This past weekend was pretty nice, I was able to have some down time with the doggies on Saturday while Luke was away at Coaches Retreat (for Football). I am trying to prepare to the upcoming season because I'm pretty much husband-less for a couple months, but maybe it won't be like the seasons past.
I also met up with Carrie B., a good friend from college/Gamma Phi who is from Yakima. I think it'd be pretty great if she moved back in the area, but it doesn't sound like an option for her. However, Jamie and Travis are about a week away from living an hour away from us, which couldn't be more exciting! I miss my bestie and it will be nice to have her near.
One of the most memorable moments of the weekend, which was partially hard and partially healing was when I held baby Marley, Pastor Tom's granddaughter. Shauna was pregnant while I was pregnant and I have to admit I became a little jealous that she was being blessed with her baby girl but I lost mine. God works in mysterious ways because Pastor Tom just happened to speak on Mothers Day about heart conditions and how jealousy is one of them, and how to resolve that feeling...which was to express the person how you feel. I had planned to do this with Shauna but God made the perfect (and less-awkward) way. Part of the sermon spoke about how once we confess, we need to rejoice in the thing that we are jealous of, and I let her know that I was sincerely excited that she and Bryam were being blessed with Marley. Beautiful baby Marley came into the world about two weeks ago, and I was really excited to see her but from talking to the Lawson family, they weren't sure how to interact with me because of Marley. Luckily I cleared the air for Pastor Tom and I let him know that I'm okay with hearing him talk about her, and he was given peace after that conversation. Later last week, I was called by Pastor Tanya to see if I would be okay with being mentioned in the sermon on Sunday and I agreed to it. Once Sunday came, I was prepared for what he would be saying and I accepted that I might shed some tears, but what I didn't expect was for Pastor Tom the hand baby Marley to me and say 'that his prayer is that everytime I see Marley, it wouldn't be hurt but healing and that I would be like an Auntie to her'. What a blessing and a truely wonderful word that he spoke over me and act that he did by allowing me to hold her (as well as Shauna allowing it). She was so beautiful, alert, she smiled at me and though she wasn't Madi, I definately saw a glimpse of my daughter and my heart began to feel a little more full than its been for a while. To hold her made me think of when they first handed Madi to me, how I wished that I could have seen her eyes or watch her move, and this time I could smile and cry tears of joy and as well as some tears of pain. Every once in a while, usually when Marley smiled, was when I felt like it was Gods way of giving me what my heart longed for, it gave me a picture and a feeling of what I will someday experience with my own children, and that his promises are still there for me and I can and will be a mother again. I didn't feel 'empty arms' or 'broken hearted' but felt at peace and it was just what was missing. It truely was a great day and a day I needed. I included the video of Sunday's sermon (http://www.westvalleyfoursquare.org/video.html) Super Life: June 7, 2009
So my blog is titled 'you hold me now' and its a song that has been running through my mind all day, and its by Hillsong. The song just speaks about how God holds us and how when we are in his presence we are made whole, and how heaven is place where there is not hurt or pain, and I am just reminded about how Madi is held by the Lord, but also that God holds me as I continue to go through this.
