This past week has been very busy, I'd say that its the closest thing to normal that I've felt in over 6 weeks, however I've noticed that I'm more aware of everything I've gone through which has made some of my days harder than they've been. So here's been the last 6 days:
On Saturday, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I know that I mentioned we are trying again, but I have kind of been rethinking that because I think it would be healthier for me to try and get the pregnancy weight off. I have been so obsessed with my weight and have been working my toosh off to shed the pounds before getting pregnant again, and I thought for sure that since I was making progress in my weight loss that I would be pregnant. . I was so surprised at my reaction of disappointment when I read that the test was negative. I thought that I would feel relieved because I had more time to keep working out, but that wasn't the case. Since then I have been so confused by the mixed emotions on becoming pregnant and loosing weight, I have to say that its kind of annoying, I'm impartial. I've decided whatever happens, happens.
I expected Easter to be a little hard since it was the day that we planned on dedicating Madi and having my family in town, and I found that the first two services I was okay (I was on the worship team), but it was third service that I had a little difficulty with. Having Luke's family there with us was nice, but it just reminded me what was missing.
Monday was my first day back to work in 6 weeks. I thought that I was going to have this overwhelming anxiety/sadness but I awoke with joy, which transitioned into a wonderful and smooth first day of work. In fact the entire "work" week was great. We had our doctors appointment that afternoon, and after waiting an hour for the doctor to meet with us, we were finally able to sit and talk about what may have happened. I was completely shocked when I started crying once I was in the waiting room...seeing the doctor, the fact that the last time I was in that room Madi's heart was still beating, and being close to possibly finding out some answers made it all come back. Like I've said before, I don't expect answers because the answers I seek aren't going to come from a doctor, however, Dr. Harrington said that there was blood clotting in the fetal vessels of the placenta and he wasn't sure whether this was a cause or an effect. He is sending us to speak with high risk specialists from UW, they will run some blood tests on me to see if I have something that could have caused the clotting, and create a plan for the next pregnancy. I'm very happy to know that I will be monitored like crazy next time.
On Thursday I attended the career fair in Tacoma, which hopefully got my name out their for future employment. After that, I met up with my grandparents and cousin in Northgate for lunch which was really nice, but I had to race back to Yakima and finish working on my portfolio for my Masters, which was due today (Friday) at our last seminar. I am offically DONE, and I'm celebrating my accomplishment and hard work. I don't usually speak highly of myself, something I'm working on, but I am so proud of all I've done and today was a great day knowing I've completed this program. However, it was a hard day because during the seminar people got to introduce who they brought with them, and I instantly thought of how Madi was supposed to be there with me, and it didn't help that the seat next to me was empty, and would have been hers. Again it made me so proud of who I have become and my accomplishments over the last year and a half, but it also felt a little empty.
So after my first week back to the life I lived before March 1, I'd say it was pretty good but it also had some tender moments when I realized that maybe now I'm starting to deal with what's happened. I really miss Madi and wish she were here, and maybe thats because of all the events that reminded me of her this week, but I am thankful for a week that felt familiar.
